Getting off track

Have you ever known exactly how to act, and what to do, but chosen to do the opposite instead, even when you know it may get you into big trouble?  Lately I've been really slacking off.  I've been consumed with doing whatever I want when I want and last night it all blew up in my face.  I wish I could say that I'm perfect all the time, that I never need correction or discipline, but that is not me.  The child in me always wants my way, when I want it, never submitting to what is best for me or what Brandon says.  The temper tantrum that resulted got me put in time out until I could change my attitude.  I realize that Brandon only wanted what was best for me and what I wanted certainly contradicted that.  I was bratty and rude and horrible.  I acted like a child, and so he treated me like a child.  Instead of spending time lovingly with him watching a movie that we both wanted to watch I wasted time and did everything I could to get my way.  I need Brandon's help getting back on track.  I need to learn to ask for help when I need it too.

Was I confused, or testing?

Long ago, when I was certain that a list of rules and punishments was needed, Brandon had made such a list.  Now it is no longer in use because that simply isn't us.  Yes, some of those things remain as expectations or guidelines, but we don't consider them hard and fast rules anymore.  On that list there were some obvious things like take a shower at least every other day, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc.  Also my chores existed on that list, clean the kitchen, vacuum, keep our bedroom as a place to relax and unwind.  All these things remain as expectations.  I know that if I don't do these things there will either be a very disappointed husband, or a sore bottom.  However, there had been other more fun/sexual things on that list, one of which was that I am not allowed to use my vibrator without gaining permission first.  As we threw out the list and stuck with what worked for us I assumed that those sexual rules had been tossed aside as well, including the vibrator rule.  I was very wrong.  The other day I used it while he was at work and forgot to put it away afterward.  Needless to say he found it lying on the bed when he got home.  He seemed slightly annoyed and he did spank me for it, but I thought he was spanking me because I left it out.  I do know he doesn't like it if I leave things lying around.  Well, I was wrong again.  Yesterday I again used it while he was at work and I forgot to put it away, again.  He wasn't aware of that though because it had gotten stuck under the blanket on our bed and he didn't see it.  Somehow we were talking about dildos and I playfully said "Oh! That reminds me, I have to go put something away."  Brandon then scowled at me and told me I was in trouble.  I smiled 'cause I thought he was joking and just brushed it off while coyly asking "Why?"

"Because you didn't ask permission." He stated, very seriously.  It still took me a moment to realize that he was serious and not playing.  When I realized this I suddenly felt very horrible.

"Do you seriously want me to ask you first?"  My voice betrayed the shock I felt, I'm sure.

"Yes! Why do you think I spanked you the other day?"

"Oh, I guess I thought, well I thought that when we threw out the rules that one went with them.  I'm really sorry!  I promise to ask from now on."  I really did feel horrible.  I wished he would spank me again so that I could pay penance and be forgiven.  I thought of all the times that I used it without asking permission and he never knew.  And he never knew because I normally put the vibrator back where it belonged and didn't tell him that I had used it.  Yesterday I thought I'd just been confused, but today as I think about it more I am sure I knew on some level that he didn't want me using it without asking him.  I remember him saying once that all my sexual pleasure belongs to him and that is why I must ask permission first.  Was I ignoring that on purpose, or was I really confused?  I think now I was ignoring it on purpose because I was either too lazy to ask permission or too embarrassed.  This has now been added to the "list" in my mind of things he expects of me.

(We call them expectations because if for some reason I just don't meet one or two of them then he may be disappointed slightly, but I won't be punished for it.  For example: I am to keep the kitchen clean and dishes washed every day, however, there are some days, not often, that I don't have time, or the energy to get it done.  He may then tell me that I have no choice tomorrow, I must get that kitchen clean, but I won't be punished for not getting it done that day.  I'm almost sure that if I don't get it done the next day that since he told me specifically that I absolutely had to finish it then I would be punished for it.  I haven't tested that though, and I don't think I want to.)

What a pleasant surprise!

It was later than I had expected when I finally got home. Brandon had told me to expect a surprise when I arrived and had instructed that I call him when I was on my way so he could be sure to set it all up for me.  I had no idea what to expect or what the surprise could be, but I followed instructions and had called him at 10pm when I was getting in my car to head home.  I walked in the door so full of information and excited to tell him all about my day, but I was cut short by an order I thought I'd never hear.

"Strip.  Right now."

I froze.  Had I really heard him right?  Had he really just ordered me to strip upon walking in the door?  Where was this leading?  I gathered my wits about me and looked at him.

"Seriously?" I asked, just to be sure.

"Strip.  Right now." Brandon repeated the order.  His face was blank with a hint of command.  There was no smile telling me it was a joke, or that he was just playing around.  He was completely serious! 

After I recovered from my shock I quickly did as I was told and stripped right there in the living room.  He guided me away from anything I could trip over and then took my hands and instructed me to close my eyes.
His voice was a little softer, the stern command had softened.  Again I complied and smiled a confused smile as I closed my eyes.  He slowly led me telling me to trust him.  I tried to pay attention to where we were going.  Were we going to turn right into the bedroom for some bondage games and sex?  What had my lovely husband planned for me?

We turned left into the bathroom and I could smell candles burning.  I still wasn't sure what exactly was happening but I now understood that he had most likely drawn me a bath.  When he let me open my eyes I was proven correct, but not only had he drawn me a deliciously hot bath, he had heated up dinner, and set up my laptop so we could watch our favorite tv show together as I relaxed.

It was so completely romantic and wonderful!  With a little dash of dominance and control.  I was so happy!

A sadness overwhelms me

There is a song that the birds sing
In the early hours of the morning
As I lay amongst a field of flowers
And the sun dries last night’s rain

Rushing past me, I hear a river’s sigh
Content on its journey to unknown
I smell the earth, the trees, the water
I feel the wind as it whispers all its secrets

My hands reach out to feel the tall grass
As it bends softly in the breeze
I breathe in deep the fresh, cool air
And smile as a calm overtakes me

I only wish this weren’t a dream
A fleeting memory, a moment past
If I open my eyes it all disappears
And fades into the darkness of my mind

By Alice W.