What Submission Means to Me

So, I’ve started this, deleted it, and started it again many many times. Although I understand what I want to say, it doesn’t seem to be coming out in words very well. This is my last attempt and then I’m probably just going to post it and it will probably be confusing, but that is okay. At least I know what I’m trying to say, right?


So, to get on with it. Here are some definitions just so we are all on the same page when I use these words:

submit: to subject oneself to the power or authority of another

subject: being under domination, control, or influence; being under dominion, rule, or authority

Brandon and I have strange dynamic. It is not one that I care to label with titles such as D/s, DD, or M/s, although if I had to pick one I’d say that we have a D/s relationship heading towards an M/s relationship. However, we will never use titles such as Sir or Master or sub or slave because we don’t really feel the need to. I will say that I am attracted to the idea of using Sir or Master to address him because I feel it portrays my respect and shows that I am fully aware of his position in our relationship versus mine. Brandon seems to be very adverse to the use of titles because it takes away from the personal aspect and he feels it sets us apart too much. All that being said, our dynamic is one of dominance and submission. I want to talk about the submission part of this without involving any kink, etc. in my post. To me submission is not about the kink, it is about the state of being, the mindset of surrendering one’s self to another.

I used to think it was about the kink. I wanted rules and punishments and many other things that I felt defined submission. There was a time when I tried to change Brandon into the “Dom” that I thought he could/should be. I bought books on S&M, I got him to by rope and we tried some bondage, I even got him to make rules and to punish me when I broke them, but it wasn’t living up to what I thought it should be. Probably because I was “topping from the bottom”, trying to control a situation that I really didn’t want to have any control over. Eventually and gradually all I’d tried to build fell apart and for a time I was disappointed and felt that Brandon had failed me. It has taken time and lots of reflection to realize that I was wrong, that I had completely misunderstood submission and today I feel that I have a better grasp and a more accurate view.

As I said, I no longer see submission as needing all that kinky stuff to make it “true” submission. I see it more as a state of mind or being. I think Brandon knew this all along and was quietly waiting for me to figure it out for myself. He has subtly led me into submission, true submission, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Every day, from the moment that I wake up, my goal is to serve him and please him. I don’t need rules to do this, simply his guidance. We have a routine that he set before I realized what true submission was and I’ve been submitting to him for a while without even realizing it. I serve him daily, catering to his desires and his needs before my own. Yes, I believe that Brandon has patiently and silently led me into submission to him and I was completely unaware. However, this past week I have been thinking on submission deeply and ultimately what it comes down to for me. I have come to the conclusion that I have much to learn and much to strive for in my submission to Brandon.

This is what I believe: submission is complete and total surrendering of one’s rights and will to another. Those are strong, powerful words, complete and total. It means that nothing is left out; every last part of me; body and mind are to be surrendered to Brandon. Nothing held back. This terrifies me, and yet I so want it. I know I want it. I’ve taken a step further into my submission by coming to this conclusion. For me this is a big step, and it scares me half to death, but I know it is what will fulfill me, Brandon, and our relationship.



Brandon,

I give you my body, mind, and will. I am no longer free to do as I please, but I belong to you and I will strive in everything to please you and serve you. I submit myself to you, holding nothing back. I promise to obey, honor, and respect you as long as we both shall live. Please be patient with me as I am not perfect and I will struggle at times, and fail at times. Guide me with kindness and understanding. Lead me gently but firmly. Remind me of these promises I make to you when it seems I have forgotten them. Love me and care for me. I am yours, forever.

-Alice