When the World Feels Giant

For the past few days I have felt so small, like Alice in Wonderland when she was shrunk and everything around her was so much bigger than she.  When I feel small like this I just want to curl up in Brandon's arms and stay there forever.  I want his body to just engulf me and hide me away, protecting me from life.  There isn't anything in particular that is making me feel this way, or if there is I don't know what it is.  These times are always so contradictory because as small as I feel and as much as it makes me feel very submissive these are also the times when I must be strong because I can't just hide away for days at a time and this makes me feel very unsubmissive.  Last night was the most intensely I've ever felt like this.  I curled myself up into the tightest ball that I could and held my arms in front of my face to block everything out, and even though it is super hot here I even tucked the blanket around me to help me feel secure and safe.  I had the strongest flash of desire to suck my thumb for comfort, but I didn't because as soon as I thought it I felt rather ridiculous. 

I'm so tired of hiding this submissive side of me from my family and friends.  I wish it wasn't so "taboo" that I felt I had to hide it.  There are some friends who I can share some things with and be open about certain aspects.  They consider themselves submissive wives, but not in the same way that I am.  Like me they defer to their husbands, and perhaps even consider their body not their own but as belonging to their husbands.  I can openly talk to them about needing to ask Brandon's permission first, and I can even on a small scale talk about living to please my husband because they too live to please their husbands.  This is nice because I don't feel like they are judging me for these things, in fact we encourage eachother in submitting to our husbands.  However, when it is still all not quite to level that Brandon and I have and that sometimes means that I must be careful how I word things when talking to them.  The most frustrating is having to hide these things from my family and Brandon's family.  Several months ago Brandon's family found a blog I'd been following through a blog I had been writing that they could read.  I didn't realize that they could see that I was following it, but even if I had I would've thought that they probably wouldn't venture on to read it.  This caused a huge uproar in which Brandon was told by his mother that the family thought it was sick that I would read this blog and said that I was demented if I wanted what it was that they read.  Of course I was angry and hurt by this, and frustrated because they were butting their heads into our life telling us what was right and what was wrong by their standards.  Brandon forbid me from explaining anything to them, which was probably good seeing as they most likely wouldn't have understood and I would have just gotten even more mad.  What does it matter to them how we live our private life or what we do in our "bedroom"?  To be honest what I really wanted to say was "F-off!" but even that would have been wrong.  My frustration is that people are so unaccepting of what they don't understand.  Even if they think it is wrong can't they just agree to disagree and still get along?  The thing is, I'm not willing to alienate my family or friends just for the freedom to be open about what and who I am.  I wish I had some real life friends that lived close with which I could talk freely about these things and we could be ourselves without fear of what they would think.  Unfortunately Brandon isn't open to seeking out our local BDSM group because he doesn't want us drawn into something that isn't us.  I think he is right in most respects to keep us away from that because I am one to want to blend in.  If most or all of the subs we meet are collared I will want that (I have a necklace that is kind of a collar, but nothing formal or blatant), if they constantly talk of going to the club and how much fun they have, I will want that, so it is best to keep me away from things that might influence me to change who I am because I want to be like someone else.  Thinking of it we really are different, I'm not sure where we'd fit in in real life, but I definitely feel I've found friends here online, or at least people that I relate to.

I'm rambling on.  I think I'll stop before I no longer make sense.  Thanks for reading my rant. Sometimes that is all that is needed, a nice long rant, for me to feel better.