Brandon,
as this summer draws to an end I can't help but remember where I was just one year ago. I wasn't with you where I belong. I was in the arms of another man, hating you, trying to forget you. I wasn't happy with how my life was going, but the anger I felt towards you made me believe that I was happy. I was so defiant and rebellious. I wanted nothing more than for you to disappear. And right now the tears are falling freely as my heart breaks for the pain I put you through, for the way I shattered your heart, for the way I treated you like dirt.
I am so glad you didn't give up on me. You could have. You could have left me to my own fate of perpetual unhappiness. I'll never understand why you didn't let anger and hate consume you. Somehow you found it in you to love me inspite of everything I'd done to you. I will never ever forget that.
I wish you were here with me right now so that you could hold me as I cry for you. Is that selfish of me? Right now I am completely overcome with regret, sorrow, and shame. Is it selfish for me to want comfort from you? You whom I hurt so badly.
I love you more than words can express. I'll never leave you again, I am yours forever. Your pain, joy, sorrow, and happiness are also mine. I promise that no matter what I will be by your side, at your feet, behind you or in front of you, wherever you wish me to be, but I will never leave you, not even if you tell me to go. I love with my whole heart, mind, and soul.
Your's completely forever,
Alice
Tuesday, August 31
The Scorpion
Brandon is an artist. He went to "coloring" school as he likes to call it. What I love best about this is that he sometimes uses my back as his canvas and I adore the feeling of pens or markers drawing pictures on my back. Here is the latest one:
I asked him if I could get this tattooed on my back like this and he said no. But I have these pictures to remember it by at least! I love this! There was one other that he'd done years ago that I love just as much as this one, a phoenix who's wings extended out onto my arms and who's body took up my entire back.
Monday, August 30
Just nod and smile
Lots of people hate their boss. I think its kind of expected. It might be due to that ingrain rebellious streak that most people have, plus if you get in trouble they have to be the bad guy and it makes us hate them all the more.
I have never hated my bosses. Okay that's a lie. The first boss I ever had was sexist, but I quit as soon as it got too bad, and before that I mostly feared him. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth were all awesome people, and even when I got in trouble I never found reason to hate them or even dislike them. Of course I was that model employee who came in on my days off, always finished tasks and did them well, yeah, the teacher's pet. It paid off because all my hard work lead to me becoming a boss, manager of my own little store (well not mine really, but you know what I mean). I still had people above me, but I liked them, and we got along real well so there wasn't any issues there.
Anyway, Brandon does not like his boss. And recently had reason to really hate his boss. However, having been a manager myself my thoughts went the route of "what would I have done?" and I ended up defending his boss and thus making Brandon feel all gained up on. Brandon would say something like, "my boss is such a fake!" and then I would ask why and he'd say "he laughs at jokes that aren't funny, and thanks us for our numbers at every meeting, etc" and I responded with "well maybe he really thinks the joke is funny". That's the most tame one.
So, I learned that when it comes to Brandon complaining about his bosses I should just listen and nod, and frown with him, and sympathize, and keep my managerial thoughts to myself.
I have never hated my bosses. Okay that's a lie. The first boss I ever had was sexist, but I quit as soon as it got too bad, and before that I mostly feared him. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth were all awesome people, and even when I got in trouble I never found reason to hate them or even dislike them. Of course I was that model employee who came in on my days off, always finished tasks and did them well, yeah, the teacher's pet. It paid off because all my hard work lead to me becoming a boss, manager of my own little store (well not mine really, but you know what I mean). I still had people above me, but I liked them, and we got along real well so there wasn't any issues there.
Anyway, Brandon does not like his boss. And recently had reason to really hate his boss. However, having been a manager myself my thoughts went the route of "what would I have done?" and I ended up defending his boss and thus making Brandon feel all gained up on. Brandon would say something like, "my boss is such a fake!" and then I would ask why and he'd say "he laughs at jokes that aren't funny, and thanks us for our numbers at every meeting, etc" and I responded with "well maybe he really thinks the joke is funny". That's the most tame one.
So, I learned that when it comes to Brandon complaining about his bosses I should just listen and nod, and frown with him, and sympathize, and keep my managerial thoughts to myself.
Friday, August 27
My submission is a gift...
Well, I broke my own rule of visiting blogs where I don't agree with most of what the writer says. Why did I do this? I was bored. I guess it was okay because it inspired this post! The writer wrote that the whole idea of "submission is a gift" is wrong. (No, this person didn't say "I think such and such is wrong" he said "it is wrong".) Anyway, I totally disagree, but I have to give him props because he made me think about why I disagree. Why do I believe that my submission is a gift that I gave to Brandon?
The simplest answer is this: Brandon did not take my submission by force, nor did he buy my submission with money, nor was it a trade of goods. So what does that leave? It only leaves that I gave it to him of my own free will, which can also be called a gift (especially since I didn't say "here's my submission, now you give me _________.").
The writer of the other blog compared it to marriage. When a man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes, was her agreement a gift? I think so (obviously he didn't). I looked back to my own marriage to Brandon. When he asked me to marry him I could have said no. In my opinion marriage is the giving of oneself to the other person. So, yes, I believe that when I said yes, of my own free will, then I did give Brandon a gift. The gift of myself. And in proposing marriage he offered to me the gift of himself, which I accepted gladly.
It was proposed on this other blog that those who say "submission is a gift" are trying to give themselves value when they actually think they have none. Although I do believe that we all do something similar to that in different area's of our lives, I don't think this is one of them. At least for me it isn't a way to give worth to myself when I feel worthless, it is simply a fact that I believe with all my heart to be true.
I also believe that domination is a gift given by the dominant to his/her submissive. So in my mind it isn't just a one way thing. I gifted my submission to Brandon, and he gifted his dominance to me. I suppose this could be seen as a trade of sorts, but I definitely don't see it that way.
I also don't expect everyone to agree with me. There are those who enjoy having their submission taken by force, in that case their submission might not be considered a gift. I'm sure there are some who do see it as a trade, and maybe some who really do get paid for it. So I think he was wrong to state as a general fact that the idea of submission being a gift is wrong, he may not see it that way, but that doesn't mean it isn't true for some people.
The simplest answer is this: Brandon did not take my submission by force, nor did he buy my submission with money, nor was it a trade of goods. So what does that leave? It only leaves that I gave it to him of my own free will, which can also be called a gift (especially since I didn't say "here's my submission, now you give me _________.").
The writer of the other blog compared it to marriage. When a man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes, was her agreement a gift? I think so (obviously he didn't). I looked back to my own marriage to Brandon. When he asked me to marry him I could have said no. In my opinion marriage is the giving of oneself to the other person. So, yes, I believe that when I said yes, of my own free will, then I did give Brandon a gift. The gift of myself. And in proposing marriage he offered to me the gift of himself, which I accepted gladly.
It was proposed on this other blog that those who say "submission is a gift" are trying to give themselves value when they actually think they have none. Although I do believe that we all do something similar to that in different area's of our lives, I don't think this is one of them. At least for me it isn't a way to give worth to myself when I feel worthless, it is simply a fact that I believe with all my heart to be true.
I also believe that domination is a gift given by the dominant to his/her submissive. So in my mind it isn't just a one way thing. I gifted my submission to Brandon, and he gifted his dominance to me. I suppose this could be seen as a trade of sorts, but I definitely don't see it that way.
I also don't expect everyone to agree with me. There are those who enjoy having their submission taken by force, in that case their submission might not be considered a gift. I'm sure there are some who do see it as a trade, and maybe some who really do get paid for it. So I think he was wrong to state as a general fact that the idea of submission being a gift is wrong, he may not see it that way, but that doesn't mean it isn't true for some people.
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