An internal struggle

As I mentioned in this post, I'm feeling a kind of fight going on between my submissiveness and my willfulness.  I so want to please Brandon and serve him, but I can feel myself fighting it too.  I think it is because I am going deeper into my submission and so the part of me that wants to retain my right to do as I please is fighting this as hard as it can. 

Brandon has been kind of slowly bringing me to this deeper place.  I am a TPE 24/7 bondmate to Brandon.  I have given him absolute control over my decisions, my body, my life.  However, he doesn't always take the control that he has.  Lately, though, there have been small things that are just really bringing me to that place of realizing the absolute power over me that I have given Brandon. He keeps commanding things that need cooperation on my part.  I have to choose do I obey or do I refuse? 

They are things like taking away my ability to speak, or my sight, or my right to use my hands or arms.  They all require me to be an active participant.  I could technically still speak when he told me not to, but if I did then I'd be not only disobeying but taking the power I gifted to him back (which I can't do).  Same with the others, I had the ability to take the blindfold off, but I didn't.  I could have struggled against his grip and gotten my arms and hands free, but I didn't.

I think that is what is causing this fight.  The realization that technically I can say "no" and do as I please and there isn't anything he can really do about it, but I can't because I gave him the power and to take it back would be to wreck our relationship and send it firmly on its way to a horrible marriage.  So there is a huge internal struggle in me right now, one side fighting for perceived freedom and the other side fighting for actual freedom.  Slowly, submission is winning the war, but occaissionally willfulness wins a battle or two.