The Power Struggle/Bratting

A long time ago I believe I wrote about how Brandon and I occaissionally enjoy a good wrestle that (usually) turns into some great sex.  Well, we had some such fun both last night and tonight!  Which got me thinking about whether it is similar to rape fantasy roleplaying or not.  The reason I pondered this so hard is because, being a victim of rape, I hate the idea of rape fantasy.  I hate it for two reasons, 1) because I know what it is like to be raped, and I cannot understand anyone even pretending to want something like that, and 2) because on some level I do understand it (contradictions anyone) and on some level it does appeal to me. 

First off, I don't think what Brandon and I do has anything to do with some kind of rape fantasy.  Yes, there is a power struggle.  I mean I really do give it my best shot, trying to fight him off and get away and all, but there is no roleplaying about it.  I might give it my best shot, but the entire time we are both smiling and laughing and having a good time.  I imagine that rape roleplaying is nothing like that.  Also, there is no doubt that even though I'm fighting him I want it just as badly as he does and as soon as he has overpowered me I stop fighting and become very enthusiastic about the great sex we are having.  Again I imagine for a rape roleplay that isn't exactly how it works... isn't the whole idea that you are being "forced" to do something you "don't" want to do?  So I definitely think these are two separate things, but share a common idea: the struggle for dominance.

Now to broach a topic that makes me feel very ashamed and perverted, my own semi-rape fantasy.  I hate this because having been actually raped I should abhor the very idea!  So why don't I?  Is it because of my experience that I have this fantasy?  Did I on some level "like" what happened to me?  Ugh, I can barely type those questions, let alone really think about them!  My "rape" fantasy is way more than what I actually experienced.  My fantasy is about being kidnapped... I guess it has to do with stockholms syndrome.  Being kidnapped, held against my will, forced to have sex, and eventually falling in love with my captor.  In my fantasy my kidnapper is a kind man though, and perhaps wouldn't have kidnapped me except I got in the way of some other illegal thing he was doing.  So he's kind and considerate and even gentle, but of course there is that firm, domly quality too, but not mean.  So there is that.  Make of it what you will.  My own actual rape experience was a violating quicky in an alley at the college I attended.  The guy was not kind (what rapist really ever is? it would be a rare thing), and the whole thing was absolutely terrifying and horrible and I quit college because of it and never went back.

So, moving on to less uncomfortable topics: bratting!  Yes, every once in a while I enjoy being a brat, and Brandon enjoys it too.  Bratting for us is a game.  It isn't topping from the bottom, or me trying to get a spanking, it is just some good fun that usually leads to tickling or sometimes a spanking.  Well last night I accidentally took it too far.  We have this one spanking impliment that hurts like none other.  It is called the "cats paw".  I have no idea where it originally came from.  My mom bought it long ago and used it on us children when we were bad (I'm not kidding, this is real) but I have no idea where she got it from.  Well, recently I was exploring a drawer in my moms room and found it stashed away.  I honestly thought it had been lost, but when I found it I started laughing and took it to my mom and showed her.  She asked me if I wanted it "to use on my kids" and I said yes, originally thinking that because it was so effective for me when I was a kid I would use it on my children.  I've since changed my mind, mostly because Brandon found that he liked to use it on me.  Is it odd that something that was used to spank me when I was a kid is used again now that I'm an adult?  Anyway, this thing is about 12 inches long and maybe a 1/4 of an inch thick.  It is made of rubber I think and is nice and flexible.  Trust me, a very light smack with this thing stings pretty wickedly.  Okay, moving along with the story.  Brandon used it on my upturned wrists last night as punishment for some bratty thing I did (all in good fun) and for some reason it doesn't hurt there as badly as it does on my bum.  Well, a few minutes later I give him a good smack on his butt with it.  Believe me, I didn't mean to hit him as hard as I actually did and I thought at most this bit of bratting would bring loads of tickling or maybe a few spankings with his hand... unfortunately for my poor bum I hit him pretty hard and in turn got some very hard spankings myself with that wicked thing.  See the most wicked thing about this Cats Paw is that it stings horridly, but the sting doesn't last long and me being the masochist I am I quickly forget how much I hate it and decide I really want to spanked with it again.  Sometimes I hate myself.  So today I tried very hard to conciously make an effort to not get spanked with it again today.  I was tempted to brat it up in hopes of getting spanked with it again, but I restrained myself and did as I was told and even resisted the temptation to smack Brandon with it again.  What I did do (because I couldn't help myself) was put it out in plain sight on my nightstand.  The night isn't over... who knows what will happen (I seriously need help!).

So the key point from that story is this: Don't attempt to spank your Top/Dom/Master/HOH, bratting in such a way may get you more than you bargained for.  Unless of course you are a masochist like me who can't stop yourself from putting yourself in such situations.  And secretly love it.  And hate it at the same time.  And now I'm rambling.  So I'm going to stop.

Brandon's thoughts on the wrestling: "I don't see it that way [as any kind of rape fantasy roleplaying thing] at all.  You want to have sex, you just want me to get it from you.  You want to play and prolong it and have a bit of fun, that's all."