After some real soul searching today I've realized that for too long my priorities have been majorly out of whack.
How it should be:
1. God
2. Brandon
3. Oliver (our son)
4. Our home
5. Myself
6. Extended family and friends
7. this blog
How it has been:
1. Myself
2. Oliver
3. Brandon
4. Extended family and friends
5. this blog
6.God
7. Our home
There have even been times when blogging has been my #1 priority and I'm ashamed to say I've been angry with Oliver for demanding my time and attention. That's a very hard thing to admit, but its true, and I'm so very ashamed of it.
You can see how totally out of whack these priorities are. For this reason I'm going to take a break from blogging. I'm resolving to spend as little time online as possible as I refocus my life. I don't know when I'll be back. Feel free to e-mail me, but as I'll be spending much less time online I don't guarantee prompt responses. For sure I'll miss blogging and chatting, but there needs to be some serious change, as you can see. Amazingly enough this is not something mandated by Brandon, but something that I've realized myself and am, with God's help, going to change. I'll be back when I am sure that blogging won't take precedent over the other much more important people and things in my life. This also means I'll be absent from reading/commenting on everyone else's blogs. This is currently taking alot of self-control to not delete all this and forget about this resolve, and will continue taking loads of self-control to stick with it. I'll miss you all! You've all been a huge part of my life lately and I'm sad to set it on the back burner, but you've all also been too big a part of my life and its time to refocus myself.
So, without further ado, I'm off to refocus!
See you all when I make it back!
PS It was pointed out to me that I might have made it sound like I wasn't going to take care of myself by putting myself 5th. What I meant is not that I won't take care of my needs, like food, sleep, hyigene, etc., because I will, but I won't be putting my desires above my needs, Brandon's needs, Oliver's needs, or my chores. I hope that clears that up. Trust me, I'm still resting, sleeping, eating, and generally taking care of my physical, emotional and mental needs. No need to worry!
Saturday, September 4
Friday, September 3
If Only He Knew, a book review, and how my thoughts tie into our D/s dynamic
This post is all based on my personal beliefs as a Christian. Based on the following verses from the Bible I believe that husbands are commanded to lead the home (be the HoH) in an understanding and loving way. These verses are the foundation on which Brandon and I build our marriage and our D/s dynamic.
Ephesians 5:22-33
22Wives,be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30because we are members of His body.
31FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. (The emphasis here is NOT my doing, it was emphasized in the Bible so I left it that way.)
32This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:5-7
5For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
7You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Now moving on, I recently read a book that Brandon has in his library called If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley. He takes the concept from 1 Peter 3:7 that husbands are to be understanding towards their wife. I read this book in one evening and as it started out I thought it was great, but reading further and further into the book he went farther and farther from the previous commandments to husbands to also lead their wife. Here are my thoughts:
Gary Smalley is a human being, fallible and not perfect. I have nothing against Mr. Smalley. I am sure he is a fine husband and a great man. I do have an issue with his book though. As I don't want to bash a book that has some good points I'll list first the things that really bothered me and then secondly the things I did like.
Things I didn't like:
1. He encourages men to take the blame for everything his wife does. For example: Say I throw a fit over something, Smalley thinks Brandon should not say "you are wrong to through a fit" instead he should say "what did I do to cause the fit you just threw". To me this is allowing the wife to walk all over her husband. Yes, sometimes something he did could cause her disrespect, her anger, etc. but sometimes it is just out of selfishness, he said "no" and she didn't like it, or he said "we're going to do this and she didn't like it.
2. Smalley encourages men to put themselves down when they apologize to their wife. For example: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel unloved. I don't know how you put up with such a crummy husband. Will you please forgive me?"Do I even have to say why this bothers me??? First of all, it teaches men to have a low self esteem. Also, say it often enough and your wife will start believing you! Then she will lose respect for you. Who can respect someone who is a crummy husband?
3. The whole book is based on men being understanding and sensitive to their wife's needs and feelings. This is not a bad thing, but Smalley takes it so far that as I was reading farther and farther into the book I was losing respect for him as a man. He takes it to a level of wussiness in my opinion. It is possible to be understanding and sensitive and still be a strong, firm leader. I think the mistake he made was to take one command from God and leave out the others. Perhaps he was afraid of sounding sexist, or afraid that the message of leadership would come across as domineering and old fashioned.
Things I did like:
1. Being an understanding and sensitive husband is a good thing. We women are emotional. Our feelings about things and people are very important to us and if our husband isn't sensitive that then we might feel like he doesn't care, or doesn't love us. Gary Smalley understood that and it is why he wrote the book. It is definitely important to tune into your wife's needs and feelings. We women appreciate it when our husbands listen to us, try to understand how we feel, and comfort us. He made a good point that sometimes we just need to be held. Sometimes trying to fix our problem or lecturing us is going to push us away from you. A shoulder to cry on is sometimes the best thing you can give us.
2. Being able to admit you were wrong is also very important. If I do something wrong I know I need to fess up and apologize. I expect Brandon to do the same. There is a huge difference between apologizing and groveling though. Saying, "I'm sorry, I know what I did was wrong and hurtful and I apologize. Will you please forgive me?" is a great way to humbly admit you were wrong, show you understand the consequences of your words or actions, and then ask for forgiveness. Adding in that you don't know how she puts up with such a crummy, worthless husband is not going to help anything! It can in fact hurt things. If Brandon said that to me I'd be furious! I'd be angry that he felt he was so worthless to me, and I'd be angry that he had such a low self-image. Eventually I'd also think he was crummy and worthless and I'd end up taking the position of leader because such a crummy worthless guy can't lead a family. I do need him to apologize and ask forgiveness when he is wrong, but I also need to know that he is confident in himself, and strong in his ability to lead.
3. This is another big one to me. Okay, yes, sometimes something Brandon does or even doesn't do can lead to me feeling unloved or angry and thus me having a bad attitude, being disrespectful, or lashing out at him. If that is the case then Brandon accepting responsibility for his mistake or his wrongdoing is good and I'd respect him for that. I do the same. If something I do or say is wrong and leads to Brandon withdrawing from me or whatever, then I expect myself to admit my part in it and ask for forgiveness. Taking all the blame for someone elses actions, not good. Like I said above, if I throw a fit then I am responsible for that fit. If Brandon did something wrong that caused that fit then he should apologize for that, but it does not excuse the fact that I responded wrongly to whatever it is that he said or did. Now, if I throw a fit out of my own selfishness then Brandon should not take any blame, he should actually rebuke me (gently and lovingly of course). For example: I want to buy a tv show, but Brandon says "no, we can't afford it" and in selfishness I pout, maybe walk away, cross my arms, glare at him, complain, etc. (trust me there's alot of different selfish reactions I could have to him saying no), where has Brandon gone wrong? Why should he take the blame for my attitude? I acted sinfully, selfishly, and very childish. Brandon should in fact point out that I am acting inappropriately and he should expect me to apologize.
4. There is one thing I didn't find fault in at all and that is finding ways to show your wife how much you love her by doing little things for her. Like doing the dishes after dinner for her, or cooking dinner one night, or letting her spend the day doing whatever she wants while you take care of the kids and clean the house and cook for her. These little things show that you understand she has stressful days too and that you care and love her. Serving your wife in such a way will definitely show her, in a big way, that your thoughts are on her and her needs. Then, although she should do this anyway, she will be more willing to serve you and pay attention to your needs. Finding something that she normally does, but that you could do instead every once in a while, and then doing it, is showing your love and understanding that she works hard too.
So, that's really all the big points. Overall I felt the book was telling men to be submissive to their wife. The message I got was this : Men, serve your wife with understanding, catering to her needs and feelings.
I think the message should be this: Men, lead your wife with understanding. Put her needs above yours, and be sensitive to her feelings.
The key change is adding in that as well as being understanding, and putting her needs first, is that the husband remains the leader, the head of the house, the head of his wife.
In our D/s dynamic, Brandon's and mine, we serve eachother every day. Brandon serves by leading me, correcting me, and teaching me. I serve by being the keeper of his home. I cook, clean, etc. for him. He's the boss in our house, and I am the valued, irreplaceable employee.
Ephesians 5:22-33
22Wives,be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30because we are members of His body.
31FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. (The emphasis here is NOT my doing, it was emphasized in the Bible so I left it that way.)
32This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:5-7
5For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
7You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Now moving on, I recently read a book that Brandon has in his library called If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley. He takes the concept from 1 Peter 3:7 that husbands are to be understanding towards their wife. I read this book in one evening and as it started out I thought it was great, but reading further and further into the book he went farther and farther from the previous commandments to husbands to also lead their wife. Here are my thoughts:
Gary Smalley is a human being, fallible and not perfect. I have nothing against Mr. Smalley. I am sure he is a fine husband and a great man. I do have an issue with his book though. As I don't want to bash a book that has some good points I'll list first the things that really bothered me and then secondly the things I did like.
Things I didn't like:
1. He encourages men to take the blame for everything his wife does. For example: Say I throw a fit over something, Smalley thinks Brandon should not say "you are wrong to through a fit" instead he should say "what did I do to cause the fit you just threw". To me this is allowing the wife to walk all over her husband. Yes, sometimes something he did could cause her disrespect, her anger, etc. but sometimes it is just out of selfishness, he said "no" and she didn't like it, or he said "we're going to do this and she didn't like it.
2. Smalley encourages men to put themselves down when they apologize to their wife. For example: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel unloved. I don't know how you put up with such a crummy husband. Will you please forgive me?"Do I even have to say why this bothers me??? First of all, it teaches men to have a low self esteem. Also, say it often enough and your wife will start believing you! Then she will lose respect for you. Who can respect someone who is a crummy husband?
3. The whole book is based on men being understanding and sensitive to their wife's needs and feelings. This is not a bad thing, but Smalley takes it so far that as I was reading farther and farther into the book I was losing respect for him as a man. He takes it to a level of wussiness in my opinion. It is possible to be understanding and sensitive and still be a strong, firm leader. I think the mistake he made was to take one command from God and leave out the others. Perhaps he was afraid of sounding sexist, or afraid that the message of leadership would come across as domineering and old fashioned.
Things I did like:
1. Being an understanding and sensitive husband is a good thing. We women are emotional. Our feelings about things and people are very important to us and if our husband isn't sensitive that then we might feel like he doesn't care, or doesn't love us. Gary Smalley understood that and it is why he wrote the book. It is definitely important to tune into your wife's needs and feelings. We women appreciate it when our husbands listen to us, try to understand how we feel, and comfort us. He made a good point that sometimes we just need to be held. Sometimes trying to fix our problem or lecturing us is going to push us away from you. A shoulder to cry on is sometimes the best thing you can give us.
2. Being able to admit you were wrong is also very important. If I do something wrong I know I need to fess up and apologize. I expect Brandon to do the same. There is a huge difference between apologizing and groveling though. Saying, "I'm sorry, I know what I did was wrong and hurtful and I apologize. Will you please forgive me?" is a great way to humbly admit you were wrong, show you understand the consequences of your words or actions, and then ask for forgiveness. Adding in that you don't know how she puts up with such a crummy, worthless husband is not going to help anything! It can in fact hurt things. If Brandon said that to me I'd be furious! I'd be angry that he felt he was so worthless to me, and I'd be angry that he had such a low self-image. Eventually I'd also think he was crummy and worthless and I'd end up taking the position of leader because such a crummy worthless guy can't lead a family. I do need him to apologize and ask forgiveness when he is wrong, but I also need to know that he is confident in himself, and strong in his ability to lead.
3. This is another big one to me. Okay, yes, sometimes something Brandon does or even doesn't do can lead to me feeling unloved or angry and thus me having a bad attitude, being disrespectful, or lashing out at him. If that is the case then Brandon accepting responsibility for his mistake or his wrongdoing is good and I'd respect him for that. I do the same. If something I do or say is wrong and leads to Brandon withdrawing from me or whatever, then I expect myself to admit my part in it and ask for forgiveness. Taking all the blame for someone elses actions, not good. Like I said above, if I throw a fit then I am responsible for that fit. If Brandon did something wrong that caused that fit then he should apologize for that, but it does not excuse the fact that I responded wrongly to whatever it is that he said or did. Now, if I throw a fit out of my own selfishness then Brandon should not take any blame, he should actually rebuke me (gently and lovingly of course). For example: I want to buy a tv show, but Brandon says "no, we can't afford it" and in selfishness I pout, maybe walk away, cross my arms, glare at him, complain, etc. (trust me there's alot of different selfish reactions I could have to him saying no), where has Brandon gone wrong? Why should he take the blame for my attitude? I acted sinfully, selfishly, and very childish. Brandon should in fact point out that I am acting inappropriately and he should expect me to apologize.
4. There is one thing I didn't find fault in at all and that is finding ways to show your wife how much you love her by doing little things for her. Like doing the dishes after dinner for her, or cooking dinner one night, or letting her spend the day doing whatever she wants while you take care of the kids and clean the house and cook for her. These little things show that you understand she has stressful days too and that you care and love her. Serving your wife in such a way will definitely show her, in a big way, that your thoughts are on her and her needs. Then, although she should do this anyway, she will be more willing to serve you and pay attention to your needs. Finding something that she normally does, but that you could do instead every once in a while, and then doing it, is showing your love and understanding that she works hard too.
So, that's really all the big points. Overall I felt the book was telling men to be submissive to their wife. The message I got was this : Men, serve your wife with understanding, catering to her needs and feelings.
I think the message should be this: Men, lead your wife with understanding. Put her needs above yours, and be sensitive to her feelings.
The key change is adding in that as well as being understanding, and putting her needs first, is that the husband remains the leader, the head of the house, the head of his wife.
In our D/s dynamic, Brandon's and mine, we serve eachother every day. Brandon serves by leading me, correcting me, and teaching me. I serve by being the keeper of his home. I cook, clean, etc. for him. He's the boss in our house, and I am the valued, irreplaceable employee.
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