A new adventure

The inspiration has hit!  It seems that writing one poem led to another and another and another, and as I write I remember all the things I've written in the past.  I have a whole binder full of my writings that sits in my closet, unopened, unread, and I wondered if the writings that it holds will be hidden and forgotten.  So, I have decided to creat a new blog, a blog where I can post my old poems and stories, and my new poems and stories alike.  Please feel free to check it out!

There will be variety of poems and stories, I am not going to keep it all lifestyle related.  There is alot of pain in my old stuff, but they all exemplify how I felt inside at that time.

My Paradise

Okay, so please read this post before reading below.

Have you done that?  Okay! I hope you liked the poem.  Now I have another one for you!  I like this one better although I think at times it doesn't quite flow the way I want it to, the story is more developed.

Please be kind in your comments! Enjoy!

My Paradise
by Alice Whittier

Oh hours of bliss

Of cruel, unrelenting pain
And sweet, delicious ecstasy
The kiss of whips and bite of chains
The pinch of ropes and sting of sticks
Of agonizing screams and tormented moans
And marvelous, relentless, merciless torture
Before him I am naked, I am bound
At the mercy of his vicious hands
On a journey of pain and pleasure
We travel hand in hand together
Slowly I begin to float away
Away from all the wondrous pain
Away from overwhelming passion
Into a cloudy, peaceful trance
There I dwell in paradise

He wraps his arms around me
Holds me close and tight
I am lost in him, safe and content
Nothing feels better than this quiet place
Where nothing is hidden
And words are just excess
Together we are one
Swallowed up in each other
Minutes pass unnoticed
As we bask in our afterglow
We could lay here forever
Wrapped around each other
Forget the world and all it's troubles
Let us just be still here together
And dwell a while in paradise

"My love," he whispers in my ear
"Priceless treasure of mine."
I close my eyes and smile
For a moment time was frozen
"My love," I quietly reply
"There is none like you.
You know my darkest secrets,
My saddest moments,
Together we have laughed,
And we have felt pain."
We have loved, we have hated,
We have fought, and forgiven.
We will live forever in paradise."

Slowly reality draws us back
But the marks left on my body
In the merciless hours before
Silently remind me of his love
And the stripes speak for him
When life draws us apart
And the pain turns to pleasure
As I pause a moment to remember
That his sadistic desire
Matches perfectly
My masochistic surrender
And thus we dwell in paradise

Tremble

I am a writer.  I love putting words on paper that elicit happiness, laughter, tears, sadness, and even anger.  Lately I haven't written anything.  I constantly have ideas or stories bouncing around in my head but they never seem to come out the way I want them too, and being a perfectionist I can't help but abandon something that isn't just so.  Last night I wrote a poem, and today I tweaked it just a bit.  I'm not sure if I am completely impressed with it, but it is a start to writing again.  So, if you have any praise or constructive criticism please feel free to comment, but be nice.  I'm a sensitive writer!

Tremble
by Alice Whittier

Here I am, on my knees before you
I am bound, completely yours
I see the verdict in your eyes, you have decided
Yet I am blind, unaware and uncertain
What is to be my fate?

I beg of you, have mercy!

I surrender myself to you entirely
My body, my mind, my will is yours
I give myself over to your desire
In my submission I find peace
I pray, if I find favor in your sight...

I beg of you, have mercy!

These ropes that bind me, set me free
I desire not to fight nor to flee
For you I would stay confined forever
Trussed up for your great pleasure
Bound this way, do I entrance you?

I beg of you, be merciful!

A little pain, a little pleasure
Your eyes speak of love and passion
The sadist thrives on endless screams
The lover soothes my pain with kisses
Am I to be tortured thus forever?

I beg of you, be merciful!

Before you, on my knees, I tremble
I know of your love, unshakable
I submit to you with pure abandon
Trusting you not to harm but cherish
I am confident in this...

I find that you are merciful.

Failure

I'm sure many others have felt exactly the way I feel this evening.  Yesterday I was supposed to do alot of cleaning, but I also had a huge dinner to cook and a baby to take care of and it ended up that I only had time to clean the kitchen and cook dinner as my little mister was very much awake all day and only slept for 30 minutes at a time when he did sleep.  Despite having a needy baby all day I was able to cook a huge turkey dinner and the kitchen stayed somewhat clean all day.  Brandon was pretty impressed with the meal so he wasn't disappointed that I hadn't done much else. 

Today though I was supposed to make up for it but again life got in the way.  First my mom and sister were over for lunch because my mom wanted to tell us that she's getting married again.  Pretty big news!  After my sister left my mom stayed and we talked for a good 2 hours which was nice.  I've felt pretty disconnected from her lately and it was good to spend some time together talking and reconnecting. 

After she left Brandon and I had to make a trip to walmart for baby wipes.  Our precious boy has been doing the cat nap thing again today and we were hoping he'd fall asleep during the trip and then sleep for a couple hours.  He did sleep while we were at the store, but as soon as we got home he woke back up and wouldn't sleep again.  Anyway, he has been taking up a huge part of my day.

Later my sister called to talk to me about her concerns for my mom and this getting married thing so we talked for a while, and then my mom and I talked again a bit later.  By the end of all this it was well after 7pm and I hadn't gotten any of my chores done.  I'm supposed to go see the movie Salt with my sister tomorrow but Brandon said I couldn't go if the chores weren't done.  So, I put my baby down and started cleaning, and crying, and the baby was crying and... yeah.  Brandon came out and asked what was wrong and I was just so overwhelmed with everything, but I told him "I just can't do it all" as I'm sobbing into his chest.  At first I was crying because I was just so overwhelmed, but then he had me lay down and told me not to worry, that he would clean the kitchen later.  This made me cry even more because with those words I felt like I had failed him.  I was supposed to be able to what he'd asked me to do, but I hadn't and I felt that somehow that was my fault even though both days life had just gotten in the way.

Well, just now as I started writing this Brandon asked what I was writing about, so I told him.  He said that he understood why it hadn't gotten done today.  He told me that I'd had to deal with alot of family issues today and that family was more important than getting chores done that could easily be put off one more day.  He assured me I hadn't failed him.

I feel better now but I still want to show him that I didn't purposely put off cleaning and that I care about keeping the house looking nice for him.  Tomorrow, before and after the movie (since we're seeing a morning showing) I'll be sure to prioritize those chores and do them 110%.

Brandon is just such a great husband.  He knows when to push me and when to let things slide.  He knows how to make me feel better after an emotionally stressful day and how to remind me that even though he's letting the chores go he still is in control.  I love him so much and I'm so glad that he is so perfect for me.

a silly conversation

Brandon: Ugh, I am done with all the craziness today!

Me:  Craziness meaning work or me?

Brandon: (smiles) Both!

Me: (laughs) You're not done with me!  I'm not that crazy!

Brandon:  Well, one craziness is more tolerable than the other.

Me: (laughing because I think he means I'm tolerable and work is not)

Brandon: Work being the tolerable one.

Me: (smile and laughter freezes) You're sooooo mean!

Haha, I love my man so much, but he certainly knows exactly how to get me!

Also...

Brandon: (after I said something stupid which I don't remember) You're such a moron.

Me: My hair is brown!

Brandon: Exactly.

Me: My hair isn't blonde its brown, therefore you can't say I'm blonde.

Brandon: I said you were a moron.

Me: Oh!  I'm stupid.

Brandon: (condescendingly) You're so pretty.  (He says this whenever I do or say something dumb.)

Life Changes

Well, Brandon and I are discussing/planning a huge life change in the next few weeks.  It is a decision that will have to be made with careful thought and planning and not one that we are at all sure about.  This will affect my side of the family, his side of the family, us financially and the next couple years at least.  The question is : To stay or not to stay? 

That is right, we are seriously discussing the possibility of moving closer Brandon's family.  This will take us states away from where we live now and will definitely be a decision that needs so much careful planning and thought.  We've made the decision already to move, it is just a matter of when.  What we are looking at right now is the possibility of moving in early November which is only about 3 months away!  If we don't move before the holidays we will be waiting till next spring.  Neither of us want to wait, but we are not sure if it is wise to move so soon!

So, lots of things to consider right now and it is making my head explode a little bit.

Formspring Question #2

When you were pregnant, were you active in the lifestyle? If so what sort of things were you able to feel safe doing?


At the beginning of my pregnancy is when we really truly stepped into this lifestyle, so yes we were active. There are different levels of safety I feel for the different trimesters of pregnancy.

In the first trimester we felt comfortable doing some light body bondage. This did include some bondage around my belly and but there was no restriction of arms or legs in case I fell. The bondage we did was more like this:

We also did some objectification play. Brandon use me as a foot rest once and a table once. However, we didn't do much of this because I would get tired quickly and it started getting uncomfortable (in a bad way).

We didn't do any play with floggers or whips, but I would say that some LIGHT flogging that is concentrated on either your sit spot or your upper back would be safe. DO NOT do any sort of heavy flogging or whipping because if you somehow hit all the wrong spots you can do severe damage to you and the baby. Also, stay away from the lower back as there are more soft spots and so cannot take as much damage. Use only a light flogger for your back, no belts or canes or other hard thuddy material. Stick to items that sting and don't thud.

We abandoned the shibari bondage in the second trimester and stuck to bed bondage with cuffs. As my belly grew we and my breasts got more tender we didn't want to unknowingly damage anything. Our rope got used as a gag or a makeshift horse bit and reins. We did do some light spanking with a hairbrush, a belt and Brandon's hand. If you do any sort of spanking at this stage I think it is only safe to focus on the bottom of your butt. You absolutely don't want to hit your tailbone as it can hurt your baby to do so, therefore stay away from the lower back and upper buttocks. Some light flogging on your upper back and shoulders might be okay at this stage, but don't do anything you feel unsafe doing.
The third trimester brought less bondage and spanking and the sexual side of our D/s pretty much became non-existent. I would say just be overly careful with whatever you do. You are probably very tired at this stage with low stamina. Lots of positions become uncomfortable or painful. It is much better to be safe than sorry. Luckily pregnancy is not a long term condition. Eventually you will be back to normal and able to do all the things you used to do.

Overall I would recommend being overly cautious. If something feels wrong, don't do it. If you are unsure, don't do it. With anything you do keep it light and easy to either get out of or stop if something feels or goes wrong. As with all other parts of life, pregnancy is the time to take it easy, relax, and just focus on being healthy for your baby and yourself.

Two major things that I believe to really be unsafe would be hardcore striking of any sort anywhere on your body, and anything more than very light (meaning loose) breast and belly bondage.

Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to stop having fun, it just means that you have to be more than extra careful. Each person is different with what they might or might not feel comfortable doing so listen to what your body is telling you. And (I can't say this enough) take it easy!

I hope this was helpful and informative!

Formspring.me #1: A Day In the Life of a Bondmate

Formspring.me question #1:

Hi Alice ... I see you are a mommy and i was wondering ... How do you fit your lifestyle into your everyday life and maintain your submissive nature?


The easiest way for me to answer this question is to walk you through a day in my life.

My day starts at 8:30 in the morning when Brandon is getting up to get ready for work. I get up and go to the kitchen to make his breakfast and fix a lunch for him to take to work with him. Sometimes our baby, lil' Cuddle Bug, wakes up about this time too so I also fix him a bottle, change his diaper and get him dressed for the day. If he is awake I then hand him off to Brandon (who is normally showered and dressed by this time) along with the bottle while I finish breakfast and fixing lunch. I am normally done with both by 8:50ish and take Brandon his breakfast and then also take over feeding CB (Cuddle Bug). Brandon is out the door by 9:10, but before he leaves he tells me what he wants me to do that day. Most of the time he leaves 2 or 3 chores to be done. Cleaning the kitchen is almost always one of them. An apartment kitchen is big enough to cook in, but small enough that when you do, it becomes a disaster zone. Very rarely Brandon will tell me not to do anything but care for CB and take a nap when I can. After he leaves I finish feeding CB and he goes back down for a nap at this time. Depending on what my responsibilities are for the day I either relax at this time (perhaps take a nap) or I (try to) start in on my chores (often this is put off until much later).

If I do anything other than stay home with CB and do my chores or relax then I am to text Brandon to let him know what I am doing. Sometimes he will nix my plans, but not often. Also, if I get the urge to masturbate then I must text him and ask for permission. Being the highly sexual being that I am, but also being very embarrassed by asking for permission, I do this about twice a week.

Hopefully by the time Brandon gets home at 5:30pm I have completed the tasks he assigned, taken a shower, gotten dressed, and done something with my hair. Sometimes I find myself in a rebellious mood and don't do as he asked, but this doesn't happen very much. Although waiting till the last minute to do my chores is kind of a common occurrence. When Brandon gets home I start dinner, fix him a huge mug full of coca cola, and possibly a snack if dinner is going to take more than an hour.

The rest of the evening is spent in us trading CB between us and feeding him a bottle. We also spend time together watching a movie, or playing around, or just being near each other but doing separate things. At 11pm CB goes to bed and Brandon and I get to spend more quality time together. Last night this consisted of my laying around in my panties teasing him with little shakes of my bottom and him trying to get them off of me. Sometimes this time is spent playing card games, or computer games together, or just cuddling and talking.

As you can see our daily life is rather vanilla-ish. There are no rituals or rules that outwardly display our D/s lifestyle. I don't kneel when he comes through the door home from work, I don't ask permission to leave the room he is in, or to use the bathroom, or even ask him what I should cook for dinner. If he doesn't want me to leave the room he tells me to stay, if he wants something specific for dinner or doesn't want what I had decided to cook he tells me to make something different. I don't call him Master or Sir. I don't wear a collar, or offer sexual favors every morning or night. What I do is allow him to manage my life. He tells me what to do and I (most of the time) do it. If he has a problem with something I've done he tells me, I correct it or promise not to do it in the future and we move on.

My submission is in the way I relate to Brandon. I run things by him before I make plans for the both of us or for myself. I do the chores he's asked me to do. I put his needs before mine. I serve him. None of this is affected by CB being around. In fact our way of living D/s actually makes life easier with CB. I know what is expected of me and what will happen if I fail to meet those expectations.

Right after CB was born our D/s took the back burner for about a month or a little over. Brandon did not tell me what to do each day before leaving for work, he didn't ask me to make him breakfast in the morning, or expect me to get his lunch ready. He let me live in zone of just focusing on CB and myself. It was me who decided that I needed his control back in my life. I told him that I needed him to manage me more. It helps me focus my day, knowing what he wants me to do and doing that instead of doing what I want to do (which would probably be sleep all day at this point).

So I guess all this to say that because my submission is more in the way that I relate to him in everyday matters than in rituals and rules it is fairly easy to outwardly live our D/s even with a baby, and I imagine it won't change much as he grows older or we have more children.

I hope this answered your question!

I didn't think this through...

Okay, isn't the phrase "I'm disappointed in you" much much worse than any kind of punishment???

It is for me and last night I was on the receiving end of those words.  Yesterday I had chores to do, not many and not difficult ones, but I didn't do them.  Brandon has told me that the punishment for not doing chores is taking my laptop with him to work during the day so that I have no distractions and no reason not to do my chores.  He also stipulated (for my sake I think) that I would have a "3 strikes your out" rule.  This means that if I don't do them one day, he gives me another chance, and then another before actually punishing me.  Yesterday I was in a rebellious headspace.  I simply didn't want to do what he said and knew that if I didn't I'd still get 2 more chances, so I didn't.  This is why I got the sad/stern look and the words, "I'm disappointed in you."  I also got more chores added on...

I don't think I thought this through clearly.

So today I have to clean the bedroom and kitchen, vacuum the living room, scrub the toilet, and finishing putting away the laundry.  Written down this doesn't seem like much, but I'm still so tired and the prospect of doing all this cleaning has me wishing I'd just done it yesterday despite my attitude.  I must remember this in the future.

In other news:

Baby boy went to bed last night at 11pm, and didn't wake up at his usual 5:30/6am time for food.  He slept until 8:30am!  Needless to say that when I woke up I freaked out and ran to his crib to make sure he was alive.  (God I'm dramatic) Well, of course he was fine, and just waking up.  I'm impressed that he slept that long, and would love for him to do that every night, but I'm sure it was some random fluke.  Now, at 9:50am he is falling back asleep!  I think I shall go take a shower while he sleeps and try to get some chores done too (since I have a double load today).

Bondmate

JZ and Turiya came up with the word Bondmate to describe a submissive who is in a 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship with his or her spouse or life partner.  I've adopted this word to use in relation to myself.  Brandon and I are in a 24/7 TPE relationship, but I've never felt comfortable calling myself a slave.  The term "bondmate" is derived from "bondservant" which is a certain kind of slave.  The greek word is Doulos.  According to what little information I could find there are two different definitions of this word.  One comes from a biblical standpoint (I couldn't find this information from any other source that wasn't biblical).  In this definition a bondservant is a slave that has been set free by his/her master, but has such great love for his/her master that he/she offers up the rest of his life in service (slavery) to this master.  This type of slave was marked with an awl through the ear.  This kind of slavery was only associated with a great love from the slave for his/her master (not sexual in nature) that caused the slave to wish to serve his/her master for life.  This kind of slave could never be free again, but also could not be sold or traded.  He was linked forever to the master he/she chose to serve in this manner.

The other definition I found was a slave who had certain rights.  Such as the right to own property, make money, and the right to be treated fairly.  This kind of slave was protected by certain laws so that the freedom this slave was afforded was not infringed upon.  A slave like this could even report to authorities an abusive master.  He or she also dressed in the same manner as a free man and so it was illegal to strike such a slave in case you accidentally hit another free man instead.

I think both definitions are accurate and simply represent a different viewpoint and a different time for each.  Looking at both definitions I feel that I can accurately call myself a bondservant of Brandon, and I LOVE the term bondmate because it brings the aspect of lifetime service into the word itself.

Some points that I think are important are:

1. the act of volunteerily giving ones self up into a lifetime of servitude
2. the fact that it is linked with adoration or love for ones master
3. the freedom that this kind of slave had to own property and work his/her own business while also being aware that a portion was always due to the slaves master
4. the fact that such a slave was protected by law from abuse
5. and that it was considered against the law to treat such a slave any worse than you would treat a free man, you couldn't strike a person you thought to be a slave because there was no identifying factor to distinguish a slave from a free man

How this translates into TTWD for me:

1. I committed myself to Brandon for a lifetime of servitude of my own free will.  My submission was mine to give, and I chose to give it to him out of the love that I have for him.
2.  Love is a major part of TTWD.  It keeps things intimate, and balanced.  It brings in humanity and ensures that the gift of my submission is not valued less than a precious, priceless gift, and that the dominance and leadership that Brandon offers is not taken for granted or disrespected.
3. If I were to ever work again I think that Brandon would agree that a portion of what I earn is mine to spend as I wish, and a portion is ours/his to be used any way he deems necessary or appropriate.  As far as property goes, there are few things that I would claim as my own.  My laptop is mine, it was bought for me, given to me by Brandon, therefore it belongs to me.  I would say the same of most gifts that were bought specifically for me (gifts that are not things Brandon would ever use or care to claim as his own).  Most things though I would say belong to Brandon.
4.  It is extremely important to remember that though I am bound to Brandon, by law I am still protected from abuse.  Brandon never has or would abuse me, but if he were I am protected by law and I have the right to do something about it.  This goes for all consensual slaves.  You are protected by the laws of your country.  If your master is abusing you please exercise your right as a human being to go to the authorities or to someone you trust for help.  Remember that your submission is a gift that you gave and you can take away especially if the relationship is causing you or your children harm.
5. And last but not least is the right to be recognized as a fellow human being.  Inhumane treatment is illegal.  What does your state/country define as inhumane?  Also, I believe that the second part of this point goes to the idea that a master is not every slaves master.  Meaning that just because a sub/slave is in the presence of a master doesn't mean that the master has any right to exercise authority over that sub/slave that is not his own.  Unless, of course, the master of that sub/slave has given the other master his permission to do so.  Brandon is my "master", no one else.  I do not take orders from anyone else, and do not submit my entire being to anyone else.  I will respect others authority, such as a policeman, or judge, or other state or federal official, but they do not get my complete submission.  And just because some guy knows that I am a "sub" and decides that I must give him my submission because he is a master doesn't mean that I will (in fact I'd probably throw it back in his face, I can be ruthless) and doesn't mean he has the right to even expect more than the respect that I would show a fellow human being.

Feel free to comment with additional historical information you might have or of course any thoughts that you might wish to express.  Remember, this is me and how this information relates to me and Brandon and it may not be how everyone else interprets the info or chooses to live.  The only point that I would say transcends the individuality of each persons relationship in TTWD or life even is the right of a slave or person to be treated humanely and the right to leave a relationship that is abusive.  That right cannot be taken away by any man.

Exposing the asshole

I said I wouldn't, I was just going to anonymously refute the crap he spews, but the more I read on this guys blog the more I become convinced that he is a danger to the community as a whole and especially to impressionable minds that are new to TTWD. I can't take it anymore. He's such a self important asshole who thinks (and writes as though) he were the light in the darkness. He thinks he just knows it all and that he can judge whether something is "real" or not, or whether someone is good enough to call themselves "slave". It sickens me!


He contradicts himself over and over again. For example, he says that slaves shouldn't have limits, but then goes on to say that they do have some limits. He also speaks a lot about how online M/s isn't real, just a fantasy but then after a comment by one such slave he retracts and says, "well ok, 95% of all online M/s is fantasy, but I can see that yours is real". He talks a lot about social etiquette, but at the same time seems to be lacking it himself.

Also, after reading through a lot (not all) of his posts I didn't find a single one that talked about how a Master/Dom should or shouldn't treat their slave/sub. I did, however, find so many posts that tell a slave/sub how she (or he) should act.

He disguises his crap by throwing it in amongst posts that are sensible. One post in particular originally grabbed my attention where he says there is "room for everyone" and he welcomes the dabblers and lifestylers alike. I was impressed by his open-mindedness and so continued reading thinking I had found another great blog, but as I dug deeper and deeper I just found loads and loads of self-righteous crap.

In a post where he begins by saying that the internet is a wonderful place to find and send out information regarding this lifestyle and that he believes it to be a great tool in bringing it out from the underground in to the light he also starts bashing those who he says "claim to be slaves". Here is what he wrote: (also, this particular post is full of contradictions and circular reasoning)

"Many are writing about their "experiences" and I am not sure exactly what they are sharing. Allowing others insight into one's life is a risky proposition which one should be commended for. I believe these people have the most noble intents when they post their writings.

However, it is sad to see how many write stuff that is absolutely incorrect. They are voicing their opinion which might not be correct. This is especially true when one goes further out on the BDSM scale to the more extreme M/s relationship.

I have seem some who claim to be slaves when, in reading the blogs, I am led to believe that she (or he) is actually the dominant one. There are little insights such as the initiation of sex by the writer that leads me to this conclusion. While one might have that freedom in his or her relationship, it is not the proper place for a slave to do this. Most M/s relationships do not contain this freedom. Therefore, when one puts this forth as fact, it is misleading to newer people since they will believe this is what they can expect. It is not."

So first he admits that they are writing about their personal experiences, and then goes on to say that they are presenting it as fact for everyone and that it is incorrect. He even gives an example of a slave initiating sex and says that this leads him to believe that the slave is in fact the dominant one. Sorry for the language, but WHAT THE HELL? A Master or Dom could indeed allow his slave to initiate sex if that is what they so desire, they are the dominant one after all! Maybe that Master wants to know that his slave desires him as much as he desires her and so allows (or even commands) her to initiate sex every once in a while. This doesn't make her less of a slave, or him less dominant, it is simply a choice they have made in their personal life. Also, who is he to say what is or isn't the proper place of a slave? Is he like the Lord of all slaves and maker of all slaves rules and slave etiquette? Hell no!

He goes on to say, "Find people who continually share experience and cross reference that with other information that is available online."

So my experience must match up with others in order for it to be valid? Seriously? My experience is what my partner and me make it to be, we might incorporate things we've read online or other places into it, but it is still personal to us and unique to our situation and our preferences.

In another post on TPE he shares another example of "innapropriate slave behavior".

"I came across one blog where the blogger professed to be a slave. In reading her posts, I was amazed how controlling she was. She often wrote about how she was the instigator of things in her relationship. One post mentioned how she "attacked" her Master sexually when he came through the door. This is not something that a slave does. This shows that she retained the power over deciding when sex would occur. Not a slave's place. Again, we need to remember the extreme nature of a total power exchange. None is retained."

When I read that she is "controlling" and the "instigator" I don't think of something as simple as her attacking her Master sexually as he walks in the door. Is that the best example he has of her being so "un-slave like"? And umm, just because she attacked him sexually doesn't mean she retained any power except for the power to express herself. He still could say "no, not right now", it is his decision to go ahead and give her what she wants, doesn't that mean he still has the power?

Lets move on to how he views slaves. This makes me laugh and at the same time makes me angry and sad.

"I like to use the analogy to a piece of furniture. Often, property is valued based upon the uses that it provides someone. Furniture, for example, is useful only as long as it provides a benefit to the owner. When the item ceases to be useful, it is discarded in favor of something else. Or, as in the case with a sweater, it might be relegated to the back of a closet. Either way, the status of the item is based upon how useful it is."

That quote is from a post he wrote on slaves being property. (Part of the reason I wrote my own views on slaves being property.) He continues, "This is where many of the M/s relationship differ from the traditional world. Often, the feelings a slave gives are not reciprocated. As property, a slave is judged based upon how useful he or she is."

I can find so many areas in which he writes things that are so idiotic and could fill pages with quotes to demonstrate my point. I am done though. I am done reading his blog, and getting angry over the things he presents as the only true way to live this lifestyle. The blog is titled A Master's Viewpoint of the BDSM World authored by Dennis Najee. You can go read for yourself the crap he writes, but I wouldn't encourage you to waste your time unless you doubt what I say about him.

Slavery: slave=property

(Authors disclaimer: In this post I refer to slaves in the feminine sense, and Masters in the Masculine sense. I realize that a slave can be a male, and that a Master can be female (Mistress). Also I refer to a specific blog and writer but do not name either one because I feel that since I am presenting both in a negative way I should have permission to name both the blog and the writer publicly. If you wish to know what blog I am referring to please ask and I will privately e-mail you. I argued with myself for a long time about whether I should use the names or not because in my opinion this blog and writer should be taken with a grain of salt, therefore I am willing to provide the name of the blog in a private setting, but choose not to publicly denounce or humiliate him.)



I find that, after a very interesting conversation with Turiya, and a few other blogs that I have read on the matter of slavery, I wish to continue with the topic. Currently I am exploring the idea of a slave being property. Originally I equated the idea of being property with being something of little value, like a chair, or a table, etc. These things generally have little value because they are easily replaced. They serve a limited purpose and when they no longer serve that purpose they can be thrown away without a care and replaced with a new item. So this was my original view of what it meant to be property and the thought and idea was very negative to me. There was a point very early on, when I knew and understood little about the M/s lifestyle, that I thought I did want to be considered property. It is very different to think you want something than to actually live it out. I want to be valued as a fellow human being with certain undeniable rights. Such as the right to voice my opinion or concerns, and the right to speak up when something is too much for me to handle on my own. And the right to have limits.

During a very thought provoking chat with Turiya she mentioned that although she does consider herself property, she is Asha's most prized and valued property, more valuable than all the riches in the world to him. Priceless. I hadn't previously considered this. Being such valued property is much more positive and appealing than my original interpretation. I would agree to be property in this manner.

I think that many people's first impressions in regards to slavery line up with my original belief that "property" has little value. Indeed there are people who do believe this and incorporate it into their M/s dynamic. The position of slave may be seen as one in which the slave is indeed inferior and can be used or tossed aside as the master wishes. I have a very hard time seeing this as a way that any healthy person would want to live. To be at the complete whim of your master, without any say at all, how can anyone wish for that? What if your master decides to take on a second slave, or even a third, and suddenly you are not the sole recipient of his attention? Or what if he decides that he no longer wants you as his slave and he dismisses you from service? Or what if he allows others to "borrow" you? Viewed as such a slave, with no worth, you would have no say about any of it. You would simply have to submit and obey in whatever way required. Most are not able to do this. I would never be able to do this. To me this is the very definition of "doormat". A dynamic built on this objectification of the slave can easily lead to abuse because the slave "has absolutely no rights and no say in what is done with her or what is done to her".

I read on another blog, where the writer did believe that to be a true slave the slave is inferior and akin to an object, that to be a slave is to be property such as a couch. He said that with a couch you can do anything you like. You can piss on it, stain it, sleep naked on it, etc. And therefore the same with a slave. This really pushed my buttons. If you treat a couch in such a manner it will quickly cease to serve its purpose. It will be ruined and you will be forced to throw it out and get a new one. The same if you treat your slave this way, she will soon be unable to serve you to her full potential. However if you treat a slave with honor, respect, and as cherished property (much like you might treat a valued piece of jewelry) your slave will be able to continue to serve you to the best of her ability.

"If a Master wants to cherish his slave it doesn't make him less of a Master. Just because he chooses not to treat her like (dirt) all the time [doesn't mean He's not a proper Master]." - Turiya

On "Slave"

In my last post I wrote that I didn't identify as a slave, and went on to define it as such:

Slave- a person who does not think of themselves but only exists to serve another.  Their only function is to serve and please their master.

I know many people identify as slave and yet would not say the above about themselves.  So I'm writing this post to 1) gather my own thoughts on the word, and 2) find the difference that I perceived between being a submissive and being a slave.

First for the dictionary definitions:

slave (slāv)

n.
1. One bound in servitude as the property of a person or household.
2. One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence: "I was still the slave of education and prejudice" (Edward Gibbon).

Now, of course, since the title of submissive is not a form of that word recognized by the dictionary I looked up the word submit and will use that definition to define submissive.

Submissive
n.
1. One who gives over or yeilds to the power or authority of another.

In the definition of slave we have another word that I wanted to define: subservient.

subservient  
adj.
1. serving or acting in a subordinate capacity; subordinate.
2. servile; excessively submissive; obsequious: subservient persons; subservient conduct.

And one more definition. (I promise this is the last one, but I want to put all these definitions up here because it helps get to the bottom of why I don't use and don't like the word slave when describing myself.)

subordinate 
–adjective
1. placed in or belonging to a lower order or rank.
2. of less importance; secondary.
3. subject to or under the authority of a superior.
4. subservient or inferior.

So after all of this what I've come to understand as the definition for slave is that a slave is someone who has become another's property and is inferior than that person who's property they have become.  Now, I know that in this world of BDSM (and I'm using that word to cover all different forms that are indicated therein) the title of slave is defined in so many different ways and that some who identify as slave would not use the above definition.  But this is why I don't use this word.  Saying that I submit or that I am a submissive seems so much more clear to me.  If one were to look up the word submit and apply it to a human being there is only one way to define it.

So the reason I don't use the word slave when speaking of myself is because I don't want anyone to think that I see myself as inferior to Brandon, or that he sees me as his property.  For sure I belong to him and my body is his, but he would never say that I am his property and I would never agree to become that to him.

I do think that yesterday was that point where I realized that I was slowly becoming his slave (in the above sense of the word) and I realized that I did not want that.  Brandon was not necessarily seeing me as his slave, but we both were forgetting that although I submit to his authority and his command, I am still his wife.

Sir J of A Dominant Character blog did a wonderful job of explaining how two partners, the dominant and the submissive, are still two equals in the relationship in his post A Relationship of Equals.

(In some ways I feel like I'm repeating myself and should just stop typing at this point, but I also feel like I'm not being as clear as I want to be.)  So, just one last time, a slave is someone who is not equal to his/her master, a submissive is someone who is equal (in value) to his/her dominant.

Perhaps this is why people get so tripped up over the title of slave.  While it means one thing, I can look at the relationship of two people who identify as Master and slave and see that they are still indeed equals and thus the definition of slave doesn't apply.  It is all very confusing (another reason why I don't use the title of slave) and I had to come to my own conclusion regarding using the word.

One last thing, I think that part of the reason some choose to redefine the title of slave is because the title of submissive does not necessarily show the level at which they submit.  I think everyone can agree that when thinking of a slave you see someone who is wholly and completely, in every way, submissive to another, where as just saying that I submit to someone may not mean that I submit EVERYTHING to that person.  So, to be clear...

I wholly submit everything to Brandon and as a submissive my goal is to serve and please him in everything I do (not just in the bedroom, or just in my actions, or etc etc).

I hope this made sense and I hope anyone who reads this and identifies as a slave is not offended and recognizes that I realize you may have a different definition of the word, or even that if you don't I am not judging you, it is simply not a level to which I am willing to go.

PS I have not yet figured out how to link to something whithout just putting the address so to find Sir J's post which I talked about just find his blog (A Dominant Character) under the list of blogs that I read and go back a few posts to find the one I mentioned, posted on June 21st 2010 (A Relationship of Equals).

First one, then the other

Today was a day of communication and clarification.  One major thing that had gotten all mixed up and blurred beyond recognition was whether D/s was who we are, or a part of who we are.  I don't think we've ever gotten to the point where we had to step back and ask ourselves this question seriously.  Today I realized that my role as wife and my role as submissive had converged into one and were no longer seperate.  On the one hand I loved that we've come this far, but on the other hand I realized that I wanted the two to stay somewhat seperate.  As a submissive my only desire is to please and serve Brandon, but as his wife I want my husband to sometimes serve me and make me feel special by doing things for me that he wouldn't normally do.  I do not identify as a slave, someone who's only thought all day is to serve her master, nor someone who's only purpose is to serve and please with not a care for myself.  I submit to my husband 24/7, but I have desires and needs too!  So, today we talked and we agreed to again draw a line that seperated the two allowing for the D/s part of our relationship to grow and develop while still maintaining an equality in our marriage (equality meaning that we recognize that we both need to serve each other and show each other how special the other is).

I am first his wife.

Then I am his submissive.

Bark like a dog!

In my last post I wrote that the humiliation score on the quiz I took was a little surprising. Humiliation is something that is a really big turn on for me. Of course I have my limits, but every one does and fortunately those limits match up with the things that Brandon will never consider doing so it’s a moot point. Anyway, I scored pretty low (20%) on the humiliation front and it inspired a bit of a post, as well as a question.




A lot of the questions regarding humiliation featured public humiliation. Brandon and I believe that if you do something obviously part of your kink, blatantly in front of others, you should have the third party's permition to do so otherwise you are involving them in your dynamic whether they consent or not. We also do not include anyone else in our dynamic by choice and never will. It is something special between Brandon and I and will stay that way. So, moving on, as much as I get off being humiliated, I would never consent to being humiliated publicly.



For me humiliation is very much a sexual thing. I'm not sure that taken outside of the sexual aspect that I would enjoy humiliation at all. Being ridiculed and put down generally does not do anything for me except make me angry. However, being inspected by Brandon, being ordered to bark like a dog or neigh like a horse, being told to put my ass high in the air while spreading my own ass cheeks, it all gets me quite wet and I really get off on it. As with anyone, I'm sure, humiliation is only acceptable on certain terms. I don't believe this makes me less submissive, but as humiliation play is largely psychological it is a very dangerous form of play. I guarantee that if Brandon told me every day that I was "nothing, and not deserving of his attention" as part of humiliation play I would believe that of myself and as I'm sure most will agree, that is a very unhealthy view of ones self. (In fact if Brandon ever told me that I'd believe it immediately and it would take a lot of time and reassurance before I would ever believe differently again.) For me being put down as a person is taking it beyond play and I would not be able to separate the words as fiction for the purpose of play or as reality and what Brandon really thinks of me. Humiliation play for us will always be more Brandon telling me to do humiliating things, and much much less him saying humiliating things about me.



As humiliation plays upon the psyche so much I would classify it as edge play along with knives, fire, erotic asphyxiation, etc. Personally I would even consider it more dangerous than those three things. A person's psyche is extremely fragile, one wrong word or action can damage it irreparably. When playing with humiliation those involved must be very aware of all limits and all past experiences that might be triggered during play. For example, a very hard limit for me in the humiliation department is toilet training. Because of things that happened in the not so far past it would go far beyond my limits to even just be peed on (pretty much the least intense part of toilet training) and could end up one of two ways. I would either become extremely furious and would have a hard time submitting in any way again, or I would lose all respect for myself and would probably become a doormat. Neither response is good, and absolutely demonstrates the need for some intense negotiating and talking before any kind of humiliation play takes place. On the other hand, being forbidden to use the bathroom and thus peeing myself would not shake me that much and would be something I would submit to, even find arousing (all done in the seclusion of our home with only Brandon and I present of course). Again I want to stress that humiliation play done wrong or without setting parameters can result in irreparable damage psychologically and thus such play should be taken very seriously.



Onto my question. My question is this:



Is it really humiliation if there is no one there to witness it?



Yes, Brandon tells me to do things that make me feel humiliated, but at the same time, logically thinking, Brandon is the only person there that contributes to me feeling humiliated as I am doing these things in front of him. Since he told me to do them shouldn't I not feel humiliated? For example: He tells me to bark like a dog while we are having sex doggy style, so I bark. What is humiliating about that? He told me to do it, I did it, whoop-dee- doo. Isn't the major thing of humiliation the thought that if you do this thing you think "what is so and so thinking of me"? And if he told me to do it in the first place I can be assured that he isn't thinking anything bad and won't ridicule me (for real) or be disgusted by me so why in the world would I actually feel embarrassed or humiliated? However, if he told me to bark like a dog while in the company of others for no reason, just suddenly turned to me and said "bark!" then that would truly be humiliating because even though Brandon told me to do it (therefore I'm not worried about what he will think) I wouldn't know what the others present were thinking of me thus bringing about the humiliation. So even though with just Brandon and I present I can certainly feel humiliated, is it truly humiliation if no one else is there to add that unknown factor of "what are others thinking of me?".

Just a fun little test.

Turiya, over at Spirited Meanderings, took a fun little test that tells you what kind of submissive you are.  I personally love taking quizzes and fun tests like that so I thought I'd do it too.  (I was bored, it is almost 6am and I was feeding baby boy and wanted something to do.)  I scored differently than I thought I would but it also inspired something I'll post about later.  So here are the results:

Slave


You scored 20% Humiliation, 83% Submissiveness, 71% Service, and 65% Pain!
You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.

The parts I'm surprised about is the 83% submissiveness and the 20% humiliation.  Of course I identify as a submissive, but I didn't think I'd score that high.  I have leadership and dominant qualities in me and rather enjoy being the lead (not in the bedroom or with Brandon at all) in some social situations.  As for humilation... this is what inspired the topic(s) for my next post.  However, what confused me is that I scored so low, as being humiliated is a major turn on for me, but I'll get into that more in the next post.  So, submissives, if you're bored or just enjoy doing quizzes and such, go take this test and see where you end up!
 
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-submissive-type-test
 

Happy 4th of July!

This is a rant about: Pregnancy and Delivery

Before I begin my rant I want to be clear that I am not against a woman choosing to go to a midwife over an OB or choosing to have a homebirth over going to the hospital.  I think that if that is what you decide is best for you and your baby then you should.  This is a rant about people who think that is the only way and are adimantly against any other way.

I have a friend (I use the term loosely) who just recieved her license to teach birthing classes.  She is very much for natural birth and home-birthing and midwifery and all that jazz.  She is also very aggressive in her promoting of such things.  (I'm being nice.)  I've known this girl, we'll call her X, since I was either 8 or 9 (not sure) and although we've often had a long distance friendship we've always felt close.  So the other day she was telling me how she was dissappointed because she wasn't sure if she could afford a midwife during her current pregnancy and she didn't know what to do.  My advice to her was to apply for some state insurance so that she could get coverage and go to an OB.  In no uncertain terms did she inform me that this would be a very last resort option for her, and implied that she'd rather do a self-birth (with no help but her husband and her own self) than go to an OB and have a hospital birth.  I don't know if she means to or if she even realizes this, but sometimes she can sound so god damn high and mighty!  So first of all I didn't even realize that there were people who considered "self-birthing" a viable option.  Personally, meaning this is my opinion, I think that to be a very stupid and unsafe thing to do.  I can't believe that she would consider that over going to an OB and delivering at a hospital!  When I gave birth to my son I did have an OB and I did go to the hospital and yes there was a bit of drug intervention, but the drugs were to help labor along, and in all other ways I gave birth to my son naturally with no pain medication at all.  I am very proud that I was able to do that, not many do now.  However, X's attitude toward hospital birthing and going to an OB made me feel like she was discounting what I did and thinking of herself more highly because she was doing things so much more naturally than I did.  What, may I ask, is so bad about hospital birthing or OBs?  I understand that these days there are alot more interventions and they don't allow you to go past your due date by more than a week, but there are reasons.  Granted the reasons may be heavily on the side of protecting themselves from lawsuits or such, but they have that right and I wouldn't ask a doctor to do something that they thought possibly unsafe for me or the baby.  So get off your high horse, X, and allow for the possibility that your way isn't for everyone and that it doesn't make you better than anyone else.  For every future child that I have I will always go to an OB and will always opt to have my baby at a hospital.  There may be more of a chance that there will be unnecessary intervention, but there is also less of a chance that if something goes wrong it goes terribly wrong, or less danger if something did go wrong.

Again, each person to their own, but don't ever tell me that your way (in this matter) is better, or that it makes you a better person.  I am proud of the way I brought my son into this world and nothing you say can change that, I won't allow it.

When the World Feels Giant

For the past few days I have felt so small, like Alice in Wonderland when she was shrunk and everything around her was so much bigger than she.  When I feel small like this I just want to curl up in Brandon's arms and stay there forever.  I want his body to just engulf me and hide me away, protecting me from life.  There isn't anything in particular that is making me feel this way, or if there is I don't know what it is.  These times are always so contradictory because as small as I feel and as much as it makes me feel very submissive these are also the times when I must be strong because I can't just hide away for days at a time and this makes me feel very unsubmissive.  Last night was the most intensely I've ever felt like this.  I curled myself up into the tightest ball that I could and held my arms in front of my face to block everything out, and even though it is super hot here I even tucked the blanket around me to help me feel secure and safe.  I had the strongest flash of desire to suck my thumb for comfort, but I didn't because as soon as I thought it I felt rather ridiculous. 

I'm so tired of hiding this submissive side of me from my family and friends.  I wish it wasn't so "taboo" that I felt I had to hide it.  There are some friends who I can share some things with and be open about certain aspects.  They consider themselves submissive wives, but not in the same way that I am.  Like me they defer to their husbands, and perhaps even consider their body not their own but as belonging to their husbands.  I can openly talk to them about needing to ask Brandon's permission first, and I can even on a small scale talk about living to please my husband because they too live to please their husbands.  This is nice because I don't feel like they are judging me for these things, in fact we encourage eachother in submitting to our husbands.  However, when it is still all not quite to level that Brandon and I have and that sometimes means that I must be careful how I word things when talking to them.  The most frustrating is having to hide these things from my family and Brandon's family.  Several months ago Brandon's family found a blog I'd been following through a blog I had been writing that they could read.  I didn't realize that they could see that I was following it, but even if I had I would've thought that they probably wouldn't venture on to read it.  This caused a huge uproar in which Brandon was told by his mother that the family thought it was sick that I would read this blog and said that I was demented if I wanted what it was that they read.  Of course I was angry and hurt by this, and frustrated because they were butting their heads into our life telling us what was right and what was wrong by their standards.  Brandon forbid me from explaining anything to them, which was probably good seeing as they most likely wouldn't have understood and I would have just gotten even more mad.  What does it matter to them how we live our private life or what we do in our "bedroom"?  To be honest what I really wanted to say was "F-off!" but even that would have been wrong.  My frustration is that people are so unaccepting of what they don't understand.  Even if they think it is wrong can't they just agree to disagree and still get along?  The thing is, I'm not willing to alienate my family or friends just for the freedom to be open about what and who I am.  I wish I had some real life friends that lived close with which I could talk freely about these things and we could be ourselves without fear of what they would think.  Unfortunately Brandon isn't open to seeking out our local BDSM group because he doesn't want us drawn into something that isn't us.  I think he is right in most respects to keep us away from that because I am one to want to blend in.  If most or all of the subs we meet are collared I will want that (I have a necklace that is kind of a collar, but nothing formal or blatant), if they constantly talk of going to the club and how much fun they have, I will want that, so it is best to keep me away from things that might influence me to change who I am because I want to be like someone else.  Thinking of it we really are different, I'm not sure where we'd fit in in real life, but I definitely feel I've found friends here online, or at least people that I relate to.

I'm rambling on.  I think I'll stop before I no longer make sense.  Thanks for reading my rant. Sometimes that is all that is needed, a nice long rant, for me to feel better.