Brandon,
as this summer draws to an end I can't help but remember where I was just one year ago. I wasn't with you where I belong. I was in the arms of another man, hating you, trying to forget you. I wasn't happy with how my life was going, but the anger I felt towards you made me believe that I was happy. I was so defiant and rebellious. I wanted nothing more than for you to disappear. And right now the tears are falling freely as my heart breaks for the pain I put you through, for the way I shattered your heart, for the way I treated you like dirt.
I am so glad you didn't give up on me. You could have. You could have left me to my own fate of perpetual unhappiness. I'll never understand why you didn't let anger and hate consume you. Somehow you found it in you to love me inspite of everything I'd done to you. I will never ever forget that.
I wish you were here with me right now so that you could hold me as I cry for you. Is that selfish of me? Right now I am completely overcome with regret, sorrow, and shame. Is it selfish for me to want comfort from you? You whom I hurt so badly.
I love you more than words can express. I'll never leave you again, I am yours forever. Your pain, joy, sorrow, and happiness are also mine. I promise that no matter what I will be by your side, at your feet, behind you or in front of you, wherever you wish me to be, but I will never leave you, not even if you tell me to go. I love with my whole heart, mind, and soul.
Your's completely forever,
Alice
Tuesday, August 31
The Scorpion
Brandon is an artist. He went to "coloring" school as he likes to call it. What I love best about this is that he sometimes uses my back as his canvas and I adore the feeling of pens or markers drawing pictures on my back. Here is the latest one:
I asked him if I could get this tattooed on my back like this and he said no. But I have these pictures to remember it by at least! I love this! There was one other that he'd done years ago that I love just as much as this one, a phoenix who's wings extended out onto my arms and who's body took up my entire back.
Monday, August 30
Just nod and smile
Lots of people hate their boss. I think its kind of expected. It might be due to that ingrain rebellious streak that most people have, plus if you get in trouble they have to be the bad guy and it makes us hate them all the more.
I have never hated my bosses. Okay that's a lie. The first boss I ever had was sexist, but I quit as soon as it got too bad, and before that I mostly feared him. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth were all awesome people, and even when I got in trouble I never found reason to hate them or even dislike them. Of course I was that model employee who came in on my days off, always finished tasks and did them well, yeah, the teacher's pet. It paid off because all my hard work lead to me becoming a boss, manager of my own little store (well not mine really, but you know what I mean). I still had people above me, but I liked them, and we got along real well so there wasn't any issues there.
Anyway, Brandon does not like his boss. And recently had reason to really hate his boss. However, having been a manager myself my thoughts went the route of "what would I have done?" and I ended up defending his boss and thus making Brandon feel all gained up on. Brandon would say something like, "my boss is such a fake!" and then I would ask why and he'd say "he laughs at jokes that aren't funny, and thanks us for our numbers at every meeting, etc" and I responded with "well maybe he really thinks the joke is funny". That's the most tame one.
So, I learned that when it comes to Brandon complaining about his bosses I should just listen and nod, and frown with him, and sympathize, and keep my managerial thoughts to myself.
I have never hated my bosses. Okay that's a lie. The first boss I ever had was sexist, but I quit as soon as it got too bad, and before that I mostly feared him. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth were all awesome people, and even when I got in trouble I never found reason to hate them or even dislike them. Of course I was that model employee who came in on my days off, always finished tasks and did them well, yeah, the teacher's pet. It paid off because all my hard work lead to me becoming a boss, manager of my own little store (well not mine really, but you know what I mean). I still had people above me, but I liked them, and we got along real well so there wasn't any issues there.
Anyway, Brandon does not like his boss. And recently had reason to really hate his boss. However, having been a manager myself my thoughts went the route of "what would I have done?" and I ended up defending his boss and thus making Brandon feel all gained up on. Brandon would say something like, "my boss is such a fake!" and then I would ask why and he'd say "he laughs at jokes that aren't funny, and thanks us for our numbers at every meeting, etc" and I responded with "well maybe he really thinks the joke is funny". That's the most tame one.
So, I learned that when it comes to Brandon complaining about his bosses I should just listen and nod, and frown with him, and sympathize, and keep my managerial thoughts to myself.
Friday, August 27
My submission is a gift...
Well, I broke my own rule of visiting blogs where I don't agree with most of what the writer says. Why did I do this? I was bored. I guess it was okay because it inspired this post! The writer wrote that the whole idea of "submission is a gift" is wrong. (No, this person didn't say "I think such and such is wrong" he said "it is wrong".) Anyway, I totally disagree, but I have to give him props because he made me think about why I disagree. Why do I believe that my submission is a gift that I gave to Brandon?
The simplest answer is this: Brandon did not take my submission by force, nor did he buy my submission with money, nor was it a trade of goods. So what does that leave? It only leaves that I gave it to him of my own free will, which can also be called a gift (especially since I didn't say "here's my submission, now you give me _________.").
The writer of the other blog compared it to marriage. When a man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes, was her agreement a gift? I think so (obviously he didn't). I looked back to my own marriage to Brandon. When he asked me to marry him I could have said no. In my opinion marriage is the giving of oneself to the other person. So, yes, I believe that when I said yes, of my own free will, then I did give Brandon a gift. The gift of myself. And in proposing marriage he offered to me the gift of himself, which I accepted gladly.
It was proposed on this other blog that those who say "submission is a gift" are trying to give themselves value when they actually think they have none. Although I do believe that we all do something similar to that in different area's of our lives, I don't think this is one of them. At least for me it isn't a way to give worth to myself when I feel worthless, it is simply a fact that I believe with all my heart to be true.
I also believe that domination is a gift given by the dominant to his/her submissive. So in my mind it isn't just a one way thing. I gifted my submission to Brandon, and he gifted his dominance to me. I suppose this could be seen as a trade of sorts, but I definitely don't see it that way.
I also don't expect everyone to agree with me. There are those who enjoy having their submission taken by force, in that case their submission might not be considered a gift. I'm sure there are some who do see it as a trade, and maybe some who really do get paid for it. So I think he was wrong to state as a general fact that the idea of submission being a gift is wrong, he may not see it that way, but that doesn't mean it isn't true for some people.
The simplest answer is this: Brandon did not take my submission by force, nor did he buy my submission with money, nor was it a trade of goods. So what does that leave? It only leaves that I gave it to him of my own free will, which can also be called a gift (especially since I didn't say "here's my submission, now you give me _________.").
The writer of the other blog compared it to marriage. When a man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes, was her agreement a gift? I think so (obviously he didn't). I looked back to my own marriage to Brandon. When he asked me to marry him I could have said no. In my opinion marriage is the giving of oneself to the other person. So, yes, I believe that when I said yes, of my own free will, then I did give Brandon a gift. The gift of myself. And in proposing marriage he offered to me the gift of himself, which I accepted gladly.
It was proposed on this other blog that those who say "submission is a gift" are trying to give themselves value when they actually think they have none. Although I do believe that we all do something similar to that in different area's of our lives, I don't think this is one of them. At least for me it isn't a way to give worth to myself when I feel worthless, it is simply a fact that I believe with all my heart to be true.
I also believe that domination is a gift given by the dominant to his/her submissive. So in my mind it isn't just a one way thing. I gifted my submission to Brandon, and he gifted his dominance to me. I suppose this could be seen as a trade of sorts, but I definitely don't see it that way.
I also don't expect everyone to agree with me. There are those who enjoy having their submission taken by force, in that case their submission might not be considered a gift. I'm sure there are some who do see it as a trade, and maybe some who really do get paid for it. So I think he was wrong to state as a general fact that the idea of submission being a gift is wrong, he may not see it that way, but that doesn't mean it isn't true for some people.
Tuesday, August 24
IT'S NOT FAIR!
It definitely wasn't my precious baby's fault, but you know how a bunch of things all kinda simmer inside you and then one little thing, possibly totally unrelated to anything else, sends it all boiling over the top? Yeah, that happened this morning.
Our baby boy is teething. He isn't really in a lot of pain, just some discomfort I think. I mean, he isn't crying or fussing a lot instead he's very smiley and happy, but the discomfort is causing some irregularity I think. The past few days he's been waking up at or around 5am… I don't think he's necessarily hungry because for the past month or so he's gotten into a routine of sleeping a decent 7 or 8 hours each night, sometimes even 9 hours, so I think it is due to the discomfort he feels from the teething. I get up and I feed him and he falls back asleep easily enough, and then I go back to bed and fall asleep just as fast. No biggie, I had expected much worse before he was born so I'm grateful he only wakes up once each night (or morning, I say night because I'm still sleeping).
Yesterday was bad though. Not only did he wake up at 5am, and then again at 9am (not bad right?) he then spent the rest of the day being difficult. I would try feeding him but he'd get his hands in the way, either knocking the bottle out of his mouth or getting his hands in his mouth before the bottle. He'd take little 30 minute- 45 minute naps… normally his naps are at least 2 hours, and I'm pretty sure he only took 2 of those little catnaps. I finally got him to go to sleep around 5pm and then he slept until about 9:15pm. Very nice long nap that should have been at noon or 1pm. Anyway, I figured this wouldn't cause a problem because he'd barely slept at all the whole day and I'm sure he was still very tired. I was partly right, he was still very tired, but he started up his whole fussy while smiling thing. Meaning he was very content to be held and played with, but try and feed him the bottle you know he wants and he'd frantically drink while flailing his arms about and knocking the bottle away. It got very frustrating. He ended up staying up past midnight (his bedtime is usually 11pm and he normally goes to sleep right away).
Who dealt with him all day yesterday? Me.
Who stayed up past midnight with him? Me.
Who got up at 5am this morning with him? Me.
Who then got woken up to cook breakfast and fix a lunch at 8:30am? Me.
Who was a grouch? Me.
And who decided it was all totally unfair that all the answers to those questions were the same and then decided to throw a fit about it? ME!
And who was hoping for sympathy because of that fit? Me.
Did I get it? Of course not. Now I see, in a clearer state of mind, that those who throw childish fits do not get coddled or sympathetic hugs. No, they get a stern "change your attitude" and a cold shoulder and are left crying as the person they wanted sympathy from walks out the door to go to work so that that silly girl, yes the one crying like a child on the floor, can buy food to put on the table.
I wasn't quite to that clear state of mind when I called and apologized, even though I really didn't want to. I was only apologizing because I didn't want Brandon to be mad at me, not because I really was sorry for the way I acted.
And to be fair, because that's what this is all about, Brandon did help me with mister cranky pants when he got home from work yesterday.
So to be completely fair, there really isn't anything unfair about it. I just thought it was unfair and thus raged about its unfairness, which in turn ended up with me realizing that my grouchiness and temper tantrum was the only unfair thing about it all. Brandon should have been saying "It's not fair", not me.
PS I did truly apologize before I got off the phone with him, it just started out as a fake apology.
Our baby boy is teething. He isn't really in a lot of pain, just some discomfort I think. I mean, he isn't crying or fussing a lot instead he's very smiley and happy, but the discomfort is causing some irregularity I think. The past few days he's been waking up at or around 5am… I don't think he's necessarily hungry because for the past month or so he's gotten into a routine of sleeping a decent 7 or 8 hours each night, sometimes even 9 hours, so I think it is due to the discomfort he feels from the teething. I get up and I feed him and he falls back asleep easily enough, and then I go back to bed and fall asleep just as fast. No biggie, I had expected much worse before he was born so I'm grateful he only wakes up once each night (or morning, I say night because I'm still sleeping).
Yesterday was bad though. Not only did he wake up at 5am, and then again at 9am (not bad right?) he then spent the rest of the day being difficult. I would try feeding him but he'd get his hands in the way, either knocking the bottle out of his mouth or getting his hands in his mouth before the bottle. He'd take little 30 minute- 45 minute naps… normally his naps are at least 2 hours, and I'm pretty sure he only took 2 of those little catnaps. I finally got him to go to sleep around 5pm and then he slept until about 9:15pm. Very nice long nap that should have been at noon or 1pm. Anyway, I figured this wouldn't cause a problem because he'd barely slept at all the whole day and I'm sure he was still very tired. I was partly right, he was still very tired, but he started up his whole fussy while smiling thing. Meaning he was very content to be held and played with, but try and feed him the bottle you know he wants and he'd frantically drink while flailing his arms about and knocking the bottle away. It got very frustrating. He ended up staying up past midnight (his bedtime is usually 11pm and he normally goes to sleep right away).
Who dealt with him all day yesterday? Me.
Who stayed up past midnight with him? Me.
Who got up at 5am this morning with him? Me.
Who then got woken up to cook breakfast and fix a lunch at 8:30am? Me.
Who was a grouch? Me.
And who decided it was all totally unfair that all the answers to those questions were the same and then decided to throw a fit about it? ME!
And who was hoping for sympathy because of that fit? Me.
Did I get it? Of course not. Now I see, in a clearer state of mind, that those who throw childish fits do not get coddled or sympathetic hugs. No, they get a stern "change your attitude" and a cold shoulder and are left crying as the person they wanted sympathy from walks out the door to go to work so that that silly girl, yes the one crying like a child on the floor, can buy food to put on the table.
I wasn't quite to that clear state of mind when I called and apologized, even though I really didn't want to. I was only apologizing because I didn't want Brandon to be mad at me, not because I really was sorry for the way I acted.
And to be fair, because that's what this is all about, Brandon did help me with mister cranky pants when he got home from work yesterday.
So to be completely fair, there really isn't anything unfair about it. I just thought it was unfair and thus raged about its unfairness, which in turn ended up with me realizing that my grouchiness and temper tantrum was the only unfair thing about it all. Brandon should have been saying "It's not fair", not me.
PS I did truly apologize before I got off the phone with him, it just started out as a fake apology.
Warning! Spoiler Alert! My thoughts on Inception
Well, I said this was coming... but no one has any idea why! lol, okay before I get started let me just say that I was a very strange child. I'm not even going to tell you much, but you'll know, I was strange. For example, I used to plan my wedding, in which I wanted to wear black, and my funeral where I wanted to wear white and have everything colorful and celebratory. You might think from this that I was a depressed kid and had very sad views on marriage and death, but no here was my reasoning: wearing black for my wedding was simply an act of rebellion, I wanted to be different and extremely so and the celebratory factor for my funeral was due to the fact that I believe when I die I'll go to heaven and that is such a wonderful thing that I wanted everyone to be celebrating, not crying. So yeah, I was weird (I still am, but ssshhh, don't tell anyone).
Anyway, Inception was like watching a movie made from my own bizarre thoughts from childhood. I used to wonder if what I thought was reality was really just a dream. I reasoned that if it was a dream that I thought was reality then of course I'd be able to feel pain because I thought it was real, so pinching myself wasn't going to work. Also, I thought it might be a dream within a dream because the dreams I dreamt when I was asleep were to bizarre to be the true reality... if you've seen the movie you know why it was so freaky for me watching it!
I absolutely loved Inception, despite the freakiness of it being very similar to thoughts from my own childhood. I wonder if the story was thought up by someone who had similar thoughts when they were a kid and decided it would make for a great story/movie.
Now, my question to you is this:
At the end, was Leonardo Di Caprio's character back in reality, or was it still a dream and he'd been dreaming the whole entire time?
I think it was all a dream, a dream that he never escaped and never will escape because now he thinks it is real.
Anyway, Inception was like watching a movie made from my own bizarre thoughts from childhood. I used to wonder if what I thought was reality was really just a dream. I reasoned that if it was a dream that I thought was reality then of course I'd be able to feel pain because I thought it was real, so pinching myself wasn't going to work. Also, I thought it might be a dream within a dream because the dreams I dreamt when I was asleep were to bizarre to be the true reality... if you've seen the movie you know why it was so freaky for me watching it!
I absolutely loved Inception, despite the freakiness of it being very similar to thoughts from my own childhood. I wonder if the story was thought up by someone who had similar thoughts when they were a kid and decided it would make for a great story/movie.
Now, my question to you is this:
At the end, was Leonardo Di Caprio's character back in reality, or was it still a dream and he'd been dreaming the whole entire time?
I think it was all a dream, a dream that he never escaped and never will escape because now he thinks it is real.
Monday, August 23
How Parents (we) Have Sex
When you have a baby/child, even just one, your entire life gets rearranged for you. Your baby doesn't care that you didn't sleep well last night, or that you need to clean the house right then, or that you desperately need a shower. Nope they care only about themselves and what makes them happy. They are very selfish little creatures, but that is really okay because my baby is the most adorable baby on the planet and I love him so very much that I will do everything in my power to make him the happiest little baby on the planet. However, just as every other part of your life, your sex life gets changed up and turned around. You no longer can just go at it when the mood strikes, or any place in the house. Brandon and I used to like to find fun and different places to have sex, but no more! Also timing is essential. Is the baby asleep? Great! Let's do it! Sometimes though this means that both Brandon and I are also asleep.
LOL.
Yes, if you have not read this post, then you don't know what I'm talking about.
Brandon and I find that ever since the birth of baby boy we wake up finding ourselves in the midst of foreplay and ready to move on to sex. I think it is hilarious, although it does interrupt our sleep and make waking up in the morning even less fun than it normally is, but this whole sleep sex has become a normal part of life for us.
So how do we, as parents, have sex?
In our sleep!
LOL.
Yes, if you have not read this post, then you don't know what I'm talking about.
Brandon and I find that ever since the birth of baby boy we wake up finding ourselves in the midst of foreplay and ready to move on to sex. I think it is hilarious, although it does interrupt our sleep and make waking up in the morning even less fun than it normally is, but this whole sleep sex has become a normal part of life for us.
So how do we, as parents, have sex?
In our sleep!
Friday, August 20
I'm still here, but...
It's been a while since my last post. After doing a post almost every day I feel like it has been too long! I keep trying to write a new post, but there are too many things on my mind that I need to discuss with Brandon first. Some of these things will stay between us as they are private, but others I will write about afterwards. Other things are just really hard to put into the right words. All of this is preventing me from thinking of anything that I can write about. So, in the mean time, I am going to write a super boring post about just regular things that are happening in my life right now, which isn't much.
1. Brandon's computer broke, as I mentioned in a past post, and we know it was the power supply so we bought a new one. Unfortunately it isn't compatible with what we already have, so we decided instead of returning it and trying another one we are going to keep it and just start to build a new computer. The one he had was about 4 or 5 years old anyway so it needed to be replaced, and we had built that one too (it's so much cheaper that way) so we figured we'd do it again just slowly buying a part or two each month. However, this means we only have the laptop (or rather his laptop) right now and that means that while I get to use it almost all day while he's at work, he gets to use it at night. He was compassionate about it though and let me buy a book (The Breaking Dawn, yes I am a twilight fan) to read. The thing about that though is that I read books in like a day or two... yes, I bought this book yesterday and am more than half way done with it already. I guess I'll just have to go through the series again after I am done.
2. I'm pretty sure baby boy is teething. It isn't super bad, but he is very very drooly, constantly finding things to put in his mouth, and sometimes a little fussier than usual (yes, I check his diaper, I check to see if he's hungry or sleepy, or just wants to be held or burped, but it normally isn't any of those things).
3. I'm trying to chanel some creative energy into writing some on at least one book idea, but I'm finding it hard not to be OCD about it. I always want to start from the beginning and develop the story from there, and I can't ever move on unless what I have written is exactly the way I want it... you can see how that might be very hindering in the process of writing. A concept that was presented to me was to start with what is most detailed in my head, which means for most of them that I start in the middle and work backwards and forwards from there, but I'm having a very hard time doing that because it feels so wrong.
4. My mom is getting married soon, and she's been asking for my help with planning and such... which is very hard because I'm not very okay with her getting married again so soon after her divorce.
5. I saw Inception. Great movie! but I don't want to spoil it for anyone so I'm not going to say anything else... I'll write another post about my thoughts on it with a header of "Spoiler Alert" so that no one gets mad at me.
6. I have to go now because baby boy is very tired, but also crying his butt off and so I'm going to try feeding him so that he'll be more content to go to sleep.
1. Brandon's computer broke, as I mentioned in a past post, and we know it was the power supply so we bought a new one. Unfortunately it isn't compatible with what we already have, so we decided instead of returning it and trying another one we are going to keep it and just start to build a new computer. The one he had was about 4 or 5 years old anyway so it needed to be replaced, and we had built that one too (it's so much cheaper that way) so we figured we'd do it again just slowly buying a part or two each month. However, this means we only have the laptop (or rather his laptop) right now and that means that while I get to use it almost all day while he's at work, he gets to use it at night. He was compassionate about it though and let me buy a book (The Breaking Dawn, yes I am a twilight fan) to read. The thing about that though is that I read books in like a day or two... yes, I bought this book yesterday and am more than half way done with it already. I guess I'll just have to go through the series again after I am done.
2. I'm pretty sure baby boy is teething. It isn't super bad, but he is very very drooly, constantly finding things to put in his mouth, and sometimes a little fussier than usual (yes, I check his diaper, I check to see if he's hungry or sleepy, or just wants to be held or burped, but it normally isn't any of those things).
3. I'm trying to chanel some creative energy into writing some on at least one book idea, but I'm finding it hard not to be OCD about it. I always want to start from the beginning and develop the story from there, and I can't ever move on unless what I have written is exactly the way I want it... you can see how that might be very hindering in the process of writing. A concept that was presented to me was to start with what is most detailed in my head, which means for most of them that I start in the middle and work backwards and forwards from there, but I'm having a very hard time doing that because it feels so wrong.
4. My mom is getting married soon, and she's been asking for my help with planning and such... which is very hard because I'm not very okay with her getting married again so soon after her divorce.
5. I saw Inception. Great movie! but I don't want to spoil it for anyone so I'm not going to say anything else... I'll write another post about my thoughts on it with a header of "Spoiler Alert" so that no one gets mad at me.
6. I have to go now because baby boy is very tired, but also crying his butt off and so I'm going to try feeding him so that he'll be more content to go to sleep.
Friday, August 13
Recently I've been really struggling internally. And that internal struggle has manifested outwardly in rebellion, tantrums, and loads of disrespect. Sometimes we just have days where we wake up, and tada! We suddenly see where we've been wrong and what we should do to fix it. Here is the apology letter that I wrote by hand to Brandon:
Dear husband,
I want to apologize for the rebellious attitude that I have had lately, and all the temper tantrums I have thrown these past 2 weeks as well. I have not been very respectful in my attitude towards you and I am really sorry you have had to put up with such behavior from your wife. Although I don't completely understand why I have been acting this way, I do think I know partly why.
My heart and my mind are struggling with each other over submission. What I have been struggling with is that although I desire to submit to you fully, I was raised to be independent and even to believe, by watching my parents, that I (the wife) know best. So even though I know how it really should be and I definitely want it that way, my head is telling me that it is wrong and it shouldn't be that way and that I shouldn't want to be submissive to you.
I don't mean to use any of these as an excuse because I know they aren't. I know what is right and so I have no excuse for acting the way I have been. I will do my best from now on to be respectful, to do as I am told with a good attitude, and to refrain from throwing temper tantrums. If I do act disrespectfully or badly in any way and you deem it necessary to punish me I will do my best to accept it graciously in the knowledge that I was wrong and deserve to receive such correction (that I know you give because you love me).
I truly am sorry for my recent bad attitudes. You deserve to be treated better than I have been treating you. I love you very much and I am so thankful that you have been as patient and tolerant as you have been. I definitely didn't deserve it. I ask that you forgive me, and help me to remember this in the future.
Your loving wife,
Alice
Dear husband,
I want to apologize for the rebellious attitude that I have had lately, and all the temper tantrums I have thrown these past 2 weeks as well. I have not been very respectful in my attitude towards you and I am really sorry you have had to put up with such behavior from your wife. Although I don't completely understand why I have been acting this way, I do think I know partly why.
My heart and my mind are struggling with each other over submission. What I have been struggling with is that although I desire to submit to you fully, I was raised to be independent and even to believe, by watching my parents, that I (the wife) know best. So even though I know how it really should be and I definitely want it that way, my head is telling me that it is wrong and it shouldn't be that way and that I shouldn't want to be submissive to you.
I don't mean to use any of these as an excuse because I know they aren't. I know what is right and so I have no excuse for acting the way I have been. I will do my best from now on to be respectful, to do as I am told with a good attitude, and to refrain from throwing temper tantrums. If I do act disrespectfully or badly in any way and you deem it necessary to punish me I will do my best to accept it graciously in the knowledge that I was wrong and deserve to receive such correction (that I know you give because you love me).
I truly am sorry for my recent bad attitudes. You deserve to be treated better than I have been treating you. I love you very much and I am so thankful that you have been as patient and tolerant as you have been. I definitely didn't deserve it. I ask that you forgive me, and help me to remember this in the future.
Your loving wife,
Alice
Wednesday, August 11
Check it out!
Hey, so a little while ago I started another blog to post my poems and short stories on, Bleeding Roses.
Check it out! Here is one of my favorites that I've posted on there already...
Paroxysm
Bitterness enthroned
Bow to the grace of rage
Violence bursting from within
Pray to God you're saved
On your knees shedding blood
Entreating God's protection
Murderer and Murderess
Carrying out perfection
.....
That is just the first 2 stanzas. Go check out the rest!
Check it out! Here is one of my favorites that I've posted on there already...
Paroxysm
Bitterness enthroned
Bow to the grace of rage
Violence bursting from within
Pray to God you're saved
On your knees shedding blood
Entreating God's protection
Murderer and Murderess
Carrying out perfection
.....
That is just the first 2 stanzas. Go check out the rest!
Tuesday, August 10
In a moment of rashness and stupidity
So, I was chatting with my good friend Heaven last night and mentioned a recent moment of rashness that caused an action of stupidity that I can't take back now and her reaction was quite hilarious so I thought I'd share this moment of mine with you all and see what you think.
The other night Brandon's computer stopped working. At first it was a problem of it shutting itsself off, but after he cleaned the fans (hoping that was the issue) and tried to turn it on, well we found out the power supply had broke. Stupid computers. Anyway, so we'll fix that when we can, but for now we are down to one computer. My laptop.
Normally if I am busy on my laptop that means Brandon is on his computer, but since it is broken this was not the case. I was reading an e-book and so Brandon had to find ways of entertaining himself. Mostly he played Super Mario Bros on our DS Lite, but after a while he got bored and asked if I would soon be done.
I wasn't anywhere near done, and told him so. The look on his face was one of defeat. For some reason that just flipped a switch in me. I thought that because I had something he wanted he was ceding power to me. I was wrong about this, but in that moment I wasn't thinking. I (may have) stormed out of our room and gone to the kitchen. After drinking some water I came back and nicely (I really was nice!) shoved my laptop towards him and said, "You can use it now." However, Brandon had decided to try and sleep since he was so bored and told me, "I'm going to bed now."
Well, I thought he was laying on the bed pouting and so I huffed and flopped on the bed as well. Brandon turned and asked what was wrong so I told him how I felt. When I said that I felt like he'd given me some kind of power simply because I owned something he wanted to use, he got all butt-hurt and asked if I liked this supposed power. I told him emphatically, NO! I don't want it.
He wasn't really getting it and I was frustrated and annoyed, and again, not thinking clearly. Well, I then decided that only thing left to do was to give him my laptop. Yes, as in hand over ownership. *beats head against wall* Stupid stupid Alice! Of course he understood what I was saying after that. But it was too late. Bye bye laptop!
So after telling this story to Heaven last night she suggested that I explain to him that I was not thinking clearly when I gave it to him and could I please have it back...
Heaven, it didn't work. He laughed. And then said "No way! That's just too bad for you!"
So that is the story of how I lost my laptop and failed to get it back.
The other night Brandon's computer stopped working. At first it was a problem of it shutting itsself off, but after he cleaned the fans (hoping that was the issue) and tried to turn it on, well we found out the power supply had broke. Stupid computers. Anyway, so we'll fix that when we can, but for now we are down to one computer. My laptop.
Normally if I am busy on my laptop that means Brandon is on his computer, but since it is broken this was not the case. I was reading an e-book and so Brandon had to find ways of entertaining himself. Mostly he played Super Mario Bros on our DS Lite, but after a while he got bored and asked if I would soon be done.
I wasn't anywhere near done, and told him so. The look on his face was one of defeat. For some reason that just flipped a switch in me. I thought that because I had something he wanted he was ceding power to me. I was wrong about this, but in that moment I wasn't thinking. I (may have) stormed out of our room and gone to the kitchen. After drinking some water I came back and nicely (I really was nice!) shoved my laptop towards him and said, "You can use it now." However, Brandon had decided to try and sleep since he was so bored and told me, "I'm going to bed now."
Well, I thought he was laying on the bed pouting and so I huffed and flopped on the bed as well. Brandon turned and asked what was wrong so I told him how I felt. When I said that I felt like he'd given me some kind of power simply because I owned something he wanted to use, he got all butt-hurt and asked if I liked this supposed power. I told him emphatically, NO! I don't want it.
He wasn't really getting it and I was frustrated and annoyed, and again, not thinking clearly. Well, I then decided that only thing left to do was to give him my laptop. Yes, as in hand over ownership. *beats head against wall* Stupid stupid Alice! Of course he understood what I was saying after that. But it was too late. Bye bye laptop!
So after telling this story to Heaven last night she suggested that I explain to him that I was not thinking clearly when I gave it to him and could I please have it back...
Heaven, it didn't work. He laughed. And then said "No way! That's just too bad for you!"
So that is the story of how I lost my laptop and failed to get it back.
Monday, August 9
An internal struggle
As I mentioned in this post, I'm feeling a kind of fight going on between my submissiveness and my willfulness. I so want to please Brandon and serve him, but I can feel myself fighting it too. I think it is because I am going deeper into my submission and so the part of me that wants to retain my right to do as I please is fighting this as hard as it can.
Brandon has been kind of slowly bringing me to this deeper place. I am a TPE 24/7 bondmate to Brandon. I have given him absolute control over my decisions, my body, my life. However, he doesn't always take the control that he has. Lately, though, there have been small things that are just really bringing me to that place of realizing the absolute power over me that I have given Brandon. He keeps commanding things that need cooperation on my part. I have to choose do I obey or do I refuse?
They are things like taking away my ability to speak, or my sight, or my right to use my hands or arms. They all require me to be an active participant. I could technically still speak when he told me not to, but if I did then I'd be not only disobeying but taking the power I gifted to him back (which I can't do). Same with the others, I had the ability to take the blindfold off, but I didn't. I could have struggled against his grip and gotten my arms and hands free, but I didn't.
I think that is what is causing this fight. The realization that technically I can say "no" and do as I please and there isn't anything he can really do about it, but I can't because I gave him the power and to take it back would be to wreck our relationship and send it firmly on its way to a horrible marriage. So there is a huge internal struggle in me right now, one side fighting for perceived freedom and the other side fighting for actual freedom. Slowly, submission is winning the war, but occaissionally willfulness wins a battle or two.
Brandon has been kind of slowly bringing me to this deeper place. I am a TPE 24/7 bondmate to Brandon. I have given him absolute control over my decisions, my body, my life. However, he doesn't always take the control that he has. Lately, though, there have been small things that are just really bringing me to that place of realizing the absolute power over me that I have given Brandon. He keeps commanding things that need cooperation on my part. I have to choose do I obey or do I refuse?
They are things like taking away my ability to speak, or my sight, or my right to use my hands or arms. They all require me to be an active participant. I could technically still speak when he told me not to, but if I did then I'd be not only disobeying but taking the power I gifted to him back (which I can't do). Same with the others, I had the ability to take the blindfold off, but I didn't. I could have struggled against his grip and gotten my arms and hands free, but I didn't.
I think that is what is causing this fight. The realization that technically I can say "no" and do as I please and there isn't anything he can really do about it, but I can't because I gave him the power and to take it back would be to wreck our relationship and send it firmly on its way to a horrible marriage. So there is a huge internal struggle in me right now, one side fighting for perceived freedom and the other side fighting for actual freedom. Slowly, submission is winning the war, but occaissionally willfulness wins a battle or two.
Sunday, August 8
Grow up!
Here is the conversation Brandon and I had last night as close as I can get it. I took the liberty of adding in the parts that were unspoken, but understand between us because you can't see the looks, or hear the unspoken words that were passed to each other in those looks.
Him: You understand that if you don't do your chores tomorrow I'm taking your computer away from you, right?
Me: Yes. I'm sorry I didn't do them today.
Him: It's okay, I forgive you. You have to stop acting like a child though.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: When I get off work I want to come home to a woman not a child. I want to have sex with a woman, not a child.
Me: (hide my face in his chest)
Him: Are you okay?
Me: I feel like a scolded child.
Him: Well, I did scold you like you were a child. I'm sorry. (I think he was sorry that he'd had to do that. There was no actual regret in his voice and I don't think he would have taken it back and done it differently.)
Him: I like your childishness when you are playful, and goofy, and maybe a tiny bit bratty, but not when you are disobedient or throwing temper tantrums. (He tickles me here to prove his point about the playful childlikeness.)
Him: I don't want to have to constantly be telling you what you should do. You are a grown woman and you can see what needs to be done and I know you can do it.
Me: I didn't realize you don't like assigning me chores to do.
Him: It's not that I don't like it, but not all the time. I don't want to have to always be telling you what to do. You need to grow up. (OUCH)
Me: I'm sorry. It's just, well I like it.
Him: I know, but I can't always be on top of you to get things done. You know what I expect of you. I expect you to keep the house neat and clean. It really isn't that much work.
Me: I know.
Him: I'll keep giving you chores, but if I don't one day then I expect you to figure out for yourself what needs to be done and do it. Do you understand?
Me: (totally ashamed at this point and hiding amongst our pillows and his chest) Yes.
We briefly talked about this conversation again today. It is understood that I have a very childlike nature but that I also have grown up responsibilities and that he won't tolerate the innappropriate brattiness, or temper tantrums, or the willful disobedience. He likes it when I'm playful, and when I react to his tickling like a little girl would, but he wants me to recognize that I am not a child and that I do need to act my age in other areas. I know that the cleaning of the house is really not a big deal. It takes maybe 30 minutes per room, and thats if it is a disaster. If I were to keep up on it every day then it'd only take about an hour each day to straighten the house and have it looking nice. He does appreciate the hard work that I put into caring for our son and cleaning and cooking, he just doesn't want to have to deal with a willful and disobedient child as much as he has lately. For some reason I've been fighting with my submission alot lately. I both want to obey and submit and be good, and at the same time I get angry and annoyed and I want to lash out. I'll save that for another post though.
Him: You understand that if you don't do your chores tomorrow I'm taking your computer away from you, right?
Me: Yes. I'm sorry I didn't do them today.
Him: It's okay, I forgive you. You have to stop acting like a child though.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: When I get off work I want to come home to a woman not a child. I want to have sex with a woman, not a child.
Me: (hide my face in his chest)
Him: Are you okay?
Me: I feel like a scolded child.
Him: Well, I did scold you like you were a child. I'm sorry. (I think he was sorry that he'd had to do that. There was no actual regret in his voice and I don't think he would have taken it back and done it differently.)
Him: I like your childishness when you are playful, and goofy, and maybe a tiny bit bratty, but not when you are disobedient or throwing temper tantrums. (He tickles me here to prove his point about the playful childlikeness.)
Him: I don't want to have to constantly be telling you what you should do. You are a grown woman and you can see what needs to be done and I know you can do it.
Me: I didn't realize you don't like assigning me chores to do.
Him: It's not that I don't like it, but not all the time. I don't want to have to always be telling you what to do. You need to grow up. (OUCH)
Me: I'm sorry. It's just, well I like it.
Him: I know, but I can't always be on top of you to get things done. You know what I expect of you. I expect you to keep the house neat and clean. It really isn't that much work.
Me: I know.
Him: I'll keep giving you chores, but if I don't one day then I expect you to figure out for yourself what needs to be done and do it. Do you understand?
Me: (totally ashamed at this point and hiding amongst our pillows and his chest) Yes.
We briefly talked about this conversation again today. It is understood that I have a very childlike nature but that I also have grown up responsibilities and that he won't tolerate the innappropriate brattiness, or temper tantrums, or the willful disobedience. He likes it when I'm playful, and when I react to his tickling like a little girl would, but he wants me to recognize that I am not a child and that I do need to act my age in other areas. I know that the cleaning of the house is really not a big deal. It takes maybe 30 minutes per room, and thats if it is a disaster. If I were to keep up on it every day then it'd only take about an hour each day to straighten the house and have it looking nice. He does appreciate the hard work that I put into caring for our son and cleaning and cooking, he just doesn't want to have to deal with a willful and disobedient child as much as he has lately. For some reason I've been fighting with my submission alot lately. I both want to obey and submit and be good, and at the same time I get angry and annoyed and I want to lash out. I'll save that for another post though.
Saturday, August 7
The Emotions Rollercoaster
Today has been a jumble of emotions and desires. I woke up sad, and feeling lonely and I started about my day in such a manner fixing Brandon breakfast half-heartedly and putting together his lunch of left-overs. I tried to express the lonliness I felt by playfully trying to keep him from leaving for work. I didn't know at the time why I felt sad or even that I felt lonely so I was trying to push it out of my mind and just be a playful childlike girl. It made Brandon smile to see that I didn't want him to go, but he had to and just as it really was time for him to leave I let him drag me out of the way. By which I mean I didn't put up any resistance and simply let him move me from in front of the door. After he left I decided to curl up in bed for a bit and maybe try and sleep or just focus on numbing myself to these feelings that I had no reason for.
Later my mood changed to one of wanting to really please Brandon by doing all he'd asked me to do and doing it well. I wanted him to come home to a good wife and a clean house and dinner cooking... but when this mood began I was occupied with my son and tending to his needs and by the time I was done and he was contentedly asleep in his crib the mood had disappeared and was replaced by one of annoyance and a bit of anger.
"Why can't Brandon help me clean our room? He makes a mess of it too! I'll just wait till he comes home to do anything and make him see how unreasonable he's being and get him to help me." I thought. "Also, he's the man, he should go to the (apartment) office and tell them we need our apartment sprayed for bugs again. I don't feel like lugging baby all the way down there and back." I actually pouted as though someone could see and hear what I was thinking. This time instead of trying to rid myself of these feelings I built on them, finding more and more things that annoyed or angered me and building my level of frustration and determination. I found myself asking why Brandon is in charge, why do I submit to him? Why does he expect it? And why is it the right way for us? I started getting bitter on top of the anger, frustration, and annoyance. I laid down and quickly fell asleep, taking a 2 hour nap.
When I woke up my mood had changed again. This time I felt overwhelmingly hopeless. The original feelings of sadness and lonliness had crept back in and this time I embraced them. I recognized the lonliness and started trying to find reasons for it. Did I feel lonely because I wasn't getting enough attention from Brandon yesterday? Did I feel lonely because everyone is off finishing their summer with vacations and fun trips and I am stuck here day after day doing all the same old boring things? I still haven't figured it out. I just know that right now I feel useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small. Very small, like a bug scurrying about trying to stay out from under the hurried feet of humans, searching for a dark protected place to hide. I can feel myself all curled up in a corner of my mind, hiding from... well something, but I'm not sure what. I wish I could physically do the same, but I have responsibilities that I can't and won't hide from. My precious baby boy is more important than what I feel like doing at the moment.
The chores aren't done. I know I'll be in trouble, and that Brandon will be disappointed but I have no will-power right now. I can't make myself get up and do as I should. Brandon will be home any time now and I've done nothing to please him. He will be displeased. But I can't find the will to care. I feel empty and numb, and at the same time all the things I mentioned above (useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small).
Later my mood changed to one of wanting to really please Brandon by doing all he'd asked me to do and doing it well. I wanted him to come home to a good wife and a clean house and dinner cooking... but when this mood began I was occupied with my son and tending to his needs and by the time I was done and he was contentedly asleep in his crib the mood had disappeared and was replaced by one of annoyance and a bit of anger.
"Why can't Brandon help me clean our room? He makes a mess of it too! I'll just wait till he comes home to do anything and make him see how unreasonable he's being and get him to help me." I thought. "Also, he's the man, he should go to the (apartment) office and tell them we need our apartment sprayed for bugs again. I don't feel like lugging baby all the way down there and back." I actually pouted as though someone could see and hear what I was thinking. This time instead of trying to rid myself of these feelings I built on them, finding more and more things that annoyed or angered me and building my level of frustration and determination. I found myself asking why Brandon is in charge, why do I submit to him? Why does he expect it? And why is it the right way for us? I started getting bitter on top of the anger, frustration, and annoyance. I laid down and quickly fell asleep, taking a 2 hour nap.
When I woke up my mood had changed again. This time I felt overwhelmingly hopeless. The original feelings of sadness and lonliness had crept back in and this time I embraced them. I recognized the lonliness and started trying to find reasons for it. Did I feel lonely because I wasn't getting enough attention from Brandon yesterday? Did I feel lonely because everyone is off finishing their summer with vacations and fun trips and I am stuck here day after day doing all the same old boring things? I still haven't figured it out. I just know that right now I feel useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small. Very small, like a bug scurrying about trying to stay out from under the hurried feet of humans, searching for a dark protected place to hide. I can feel myself all curled up in a corner of my mind, hiding from... well something, but I'm not sure what. I wish I could physically do the same, but I have responsibilities that I can't and won't hide from. My precious baby boy is more important than what I feel like doing at the moment.
The chores aren't done. I know I'll be in trouble, and that Brandon will be disappointed but I have no will-power right now. I can't make myself get up and do as I should. Brandon will be home any time now and I've done nothing to please him. He will be displeased. But I can't find the will to care. I feel empty and numb, and at the same time all the things I mentioned above (useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small).
Friday, August 6
Formspring.me #3: "I'm moving in!"
Have you ever heard of any submissive women who already own homes and have masters move in with them?
No, I personally haven't, but I'm sure there have been instances where something like that has happened. Personally I think that under the right circumstances there is nothing wrong with that. I also believe that there are some things which would make it a very bad idea.
When it could be bad…
1. If the Master is moving in because he can not support himself. Meaning he doesn't have a job, or doesn't make enough to be able to support himself, even if with state assistance.
2. If expectations regarding ownership are not worked out beforehand.
3. If there is a lack of trust.
4. If the relationship is not strong enough to withstand the complications of living with each other 24/7.
When it can be great…
1. If the decision is come to because the Master knows his slave has worked hard to get to the point of owning a house and doesn't want to take that accomplishment away from her.
2. If it makes sense logistically. Such as the Master has an apartment, the slave has a house… it might make more sense for the Master to move in with the slave than the other way around.
3. Trust is at a level that enables this transition to work as smoothly as possible.
4. If the relationship is loving and strong enough to withstand the frustrations and complications of living with each other.
These are my humble thoughts on the matter. I wonder if any readers can answer this question better than I can? Does anyone know of someone in this situation or someone that has been there done that?
No, I personally haven't, but I'm sure there have been instances where something like that has happened. Personally I think that under the right circumstances there is nothing wrong with that. I also believe that there are some things which would make it a very bad idea.
When it could be bad…
1. If the Master is moving in because he can not support himself. Meaning he doesn't have a job, or doesn't make enough to be able to support himself, even if with state assistance.
2. If expectations regarding ownership are not worked out beforehand.
3. If there is a lack of trust.
4. If the relationship is not strong enough to withstand the complications of living with each other 24/7.
When it can be great…
1. If the decision is come to because the Master knows his slave has worked hard to get to the point of owning a house and doesn't want to take that accomplishment away from her.
2. If it makes sense logistically. Such as the Master has an apartment, the slave has a house… it might make more sense for the Master to move in with the slave than the other way around.
3. Trust is at a level that enables this transition to work as smoothly as possible.
4. If the relationship is loving and strong enough to withstand the frustrations and complications of living with each other.
These are my humble thoughts on the matter. I wonder if any readers can answer this question better than I can? Does anyone know of someone in this situation or someone that has been there done that?
Here it is...
Okay, a part of this post might bristle some hairs, or even make some people angry so let me start by saying that although my beliefs are very close to my heart and I take them very seriously I understand that not everyone believes as I do and I do not judge others for how they live according to what I believe. I hope that makes sense.
I've decided to just blurt out what I felt I couldn't say before here. For a few years I've struggled and joked about the possibility of having a threesome with Brandon (adding another girl) and we've joked and casually talked about some bi fantasies and desires, but we've never really looked into it seriously. He's asked me if I'd had anyone specific in mind and would she be interested, and I told him yes, but we never got to the point of actually going through with it. Eventually I decided that it was all really just a fantasy and I didn't really want to be with a woman sexually and definitely didn't want to do a threesome. So I came to the conclusion that I'm not really bisexual.
Now, (here's the part that may make some people bristle) any kind of homosexual or bisexual act goes against some very strong beliefs of mine. In my eyes it goes against nature. (please remember that I don't judge others for their decisions in this area!) So when I discovered another desire that I didn't expect I thought it might be this bi thing coming back up, which worried me because I thought I had dealt with that already. This new discovery was the desire to dominate a woman. It all really freaked me out because like I'd said I thought I'd already dealt with those bisexual thoughts, and to dominate a woman goes against my very submissive nature.
After giving these two things some serious thought I came to the conclusion that I still am not bisexual, and the way in which I want to dominate a woman is very non-sexual. I am not sure if this whole Domme thing is again just fantasy or something I'd really truly like to do someday, but I can tell you that if I do try it out my desire is definitely only to dominate a woman and never a man. Or maybe it is a phase triggered by something else (which I will post about soon). Regardless I have decided that this is going on the back shelf for now. I'm aware of it being there, and maybe someday, with Brandon's permission, I will explore this if the desire is still there and the opportunity presents itself, but for now its going into storage.
Also, I'm still very much submissive to Brandon and that will never change. At heart I am a submissive, and this Domme thing would just be a game, nothing more. I don't know if this makes me a switch in some way, but I don't think so, at least not in the way that I think of the concept of switching.
So there you have it. This is what I was fighting so hard.
I've decided to just blurt out what I felt I couldn't say before here. For a few years I've struggled and joked about the possibility of having a threesome with Brandon (adding another girl) and we've joked and casually talked about some bi fantasies and desires, but we've never really looked into it seriously. He's asked me if I'd had anyone specific in mind and would she be interested, and I told him yes, but we never got to the point of actually going through with it. Eventually I decided that it was all really just a fantasy and I didn't really want to be with a woman sexually and definitely didn't want to do a threesome. So I came to the conclusion that I'm not really bisexual.
Now, (here's the part that may make some people bristle) any kind of homosexual or bisexual act goes against some very strong beliefs of mine. In my eyes it goes against nature. (please remember that I don't judge others for their decisions in this area!) So when I discovered another desire that I didn't expect I thought it might be this bi thing coming back up, which worried me because I thought I had dealt with that already. This new discovery was the desire to dominate a woman. It all really freaked me out because like I'd said I thought I'd already dealt with those bisexual thoughts, and to dominate a woman goes against my very submissive nature.
After giving these two things some serious thought I came to the conclusion that I still am not bisexual, and the way in which I want to dominate a woman is very non-sexual. I am not sure if this whole Domme thing is again just fantasy or something I'd really truly like to do someday, but I can tell you that if I do try it out my desire is definitely only to dominate a woman and never a man. Or maybe it is a phase triggered by something else (which I will post about soon). Regardless I have decided that this is going on the back shelf for now. I'm aware of it being there, and maybe someday, with Brandon's permission, I will explore this if the desire is still there and the opportunity presents itself, but for now its going into storage.
Also, I'm still very much submissive to Brandon and that will never change. At heart I am a submissive, and this Domme thing would just be a game, nothing more. I don't know if this makes me a switch in some way, but I don't think so, at least not in the way that I think of the concept of switching.
So there you have it. This is what I was fighting so hard.
Wednesday, August 4
What is love?
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love and marriage are dying concepts. Both have become disposable. Love is now equated with infatuation, something that comes and goes. And as marriages are built on this kind of love, they also are fleeting, subject to the whims and desires of the two people involved. The concept that love takes work, and grows, changes, and matures within a relationship has become old fashioned.
Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to love each other until death. A love like this takes work, total commitment, unselfishness, and patience. It requires completely giving yourself to each other, trust, and determination.
I know one couple in their late 40's that are getting married in the next few months. They've only known each other for a few months, but they've assured me that they really do love each other and are committed to each other. Both have been divorced before, for understandable reasons in one case, and less understandable reasons in another. I'm very concerned that the basis for their up coming marriage is infatuation, puppy dog love, that will fade in time. I'm worried that when this fades they will realize that they don't truly love each other and the fights will ensue, and eventually another divorce will be added to their resume. I could be wrong, time will tell, but they hardly know each other and so I'm afraid that they are basing everything on feelings that will come and go. Now, even if they do wake up one day and realize the infatuation is gone and they are left with nothing, I hope they stay committed to each other and the relationship and allow love to grow between them.
Another couple I know that is getting married next spring is much younger, they will be entering their 20's at the time of their marriage. In complete opposition to the first couple I mentioned, I believe they have a firm grasp of what love is and how much work and commitment needs to be put into marriage to keep it strong and alive. This couple has great, wise people who are guiding them and teaching them what a strong, committed and loving relationship looks like. I can't wait to see where this journey into marriage takes them. I am so excited for them. Their commitment to each other is so apparent to everyone.
It makes me sad that love and marriage have become so diluted. I believe there is too much divorce in this country. Or too much divorce resulting from a lack of commitment and understanding of the work involved in loving each other till death. People are quick to marry, and quick to divorce, they let their emotions lead. Unfortunately these relationships are also deter the more logical thinking people from marriage. The examples provided by such fleeting love and marriage shows others that commitment means nothing, love comes and goes, and marriage is a farce.
When and why did it all change so much into something worth so little?
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love and marriage are dying concepts. Both have become disposable. Love is now equated with infatuation, something that comes and goes. And as marriages are built on this kind of love, they also are fleeting, subject to the whims and desires of the two people involved. The concept that love takes work, and grows, changes, and matures within a relationship has become old fashioned.
Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to love each other until death. A love like this takes work, total commitment, unselfishness, and patience. It requires completely giving yourself to each other, trust, and determination.
I know one couple in their late 40's that are getting married in the next few months. They've only known each other for a few months, but they've assured me that they really do love each other and are committed to each other. Both have been divorced before, for understandable reasons in one case, and less understandable reasons in another. I'm very concerned that the basis for their up coming marriage is infatuation, puppy dog love, that will fade in time. I'm worried that when this fades they will realize that they don't truly love each other and the fights will ensue, and eventually another divorce will be added to their resume. I could be wrong, time will tell, but they hardly know each other and so I'm afraid that they are basing everything on feelings that will come and go. Now, even if they do wake up one day and realize the infatuation is gone and they are left with nothing, I hope they stay committed to each other and the relationship and allow love to grow between them.
Another couple I know that is getting married next spring is much younger, they will be entering their 20's at the time of their marriage. In complete opposition to the first couple I mentioned, I believe they have a firm grasp of what love is and how much work and commitment needs to be put into marriage to keep it strong and alive. This couple has great, wise people who are guiding them and teaching them what a strong, committed and loving relationship looks like. I can't wait to see where this journey into marriage takes them. I am so excited for them. Their commitment to each other is so apparent to everyone.
It makes me sad that love and marriage have become so diluted. I believe there is too much divorce in this country. Or too much divorce resulting from a lack of commitment and understanding of the work involved in loving each other till death. People are quick to marry, and quick to divorce, they let their emotions lead. Unfortunately these relationships are also deter the more logical thinking people from marriage. The examples provided by such fleeting love and marriage shows others that commitment means nothing, love comes and goes, and marriage is a farce.
When and why did it all change so much into something worth so little?
Tuesday, August 3
I'm fighting it
There is something that I've known for a few years now that I've been fighting with everything I have. And something else that I've recently discovered. Both things go against my very nature, and my beliefs and so I've had a hard time accepting them. I'm not yet ready to talk about them as its all very new to me and so many emotions are surrounding it at this point, and it isn't all quite clear in my head, but when I am you all will be the first to know!
(You know, I personally hate teasers like this, but I love doing it to other people *insert evil laughter here*)
Its all kind of a shock to my system. So when I'm ready I'll talk all about it, till then if my posts seem a bit moody then it is just because I'm dealing with some issues right now.
(You know, I personally hate teasers like this, but I love doing it to other people *insert evil laughter here*)
Its all kind of a shock to my system. So when I'm ready I'll talk all about it, till then if my posts seem a bit moody then it is just because I'm dealing with some issues right now.
Major oops!
So today is the 3rd of the month, tomorrow will be the 4th... and today was the last grace day to turn in rent for our apartment. I forgot, until just now, when I panicked! The late fee is something like 25 dollars, which we can't afford. Paying rent is my responsibility! I've never forgotten, although I have turned it in on the 2nd or 3rd once or twice, but never have I passed that last day. I feel absolutely horrible!
Tomorrow I'm going to have to go in to the office first thing (which means no sleeping in) and try to convince management to let it slide just this once. I really hope that they can just wave it this once, but if not maybe they could make it 15 dollars instead... fingers crossed.
Ugh, things like this make me feel so much like a failure! And stupid. I just can't believe I did this! I was even thinking about it yesterday and then today I just blanked. Oh I know, its like a one time offense, and everyone makes mistakes, and 25 dollars really isn't horrible... but for us it is. We barely make it with paying rent, utilities, phone bill, formula and diapers, and food. We make it, but we never have enough to save. We never have extra, and so 25 dollars is alot to through away on one stupid mistake!
I will never ever do this again, from now on I'm paying it early!
Tomorrow I'm going to have to go in to the office first thing (which means no sleeping in) and try to convince management to let it slide just this once. I really hope that they can just wave it this once, but if not maybe they could make it 15 dollars instead... fingers crossed.
Ugh, things like this make me feel so much like a failure! And stupid. I just can't believe I did this! I was even thinking about it yesterday and then today I just blanked. Oh I know, its like a one time offense, and everyone makes mistakes, and 25 dollars really isn't horrible... but for us it is. We barely make it with paying rent, utilities, phone bill, formula and diapers, and food. We make it, but we never have enough to save. We never have extra, and so 25 dollars is alot to through away on one stupid mistake!
I will never ever do this again, from now on I'm paying it early!
Sunday, August 1
The Power Struggle/Bratting
A long time ago I believe I wrote about how Brandon and I occaissionally enjoy a good wrestle that (usually) turns into some great sex. Well, we had some such fun both last night and tonight! Which got me thinking about whether it is similar to rape fantasy roleplaying or not. The reason I pondered this so hard is because, being a victim of rape, I hate the idea of rape fantasy. I hate it for two reasons, 1) because I know what it is like to be raped, and I cannot understand anyone even pretending to want something like that, and 2) because on some level I do understand it (contradictions anyone) and on some level it does appeal to me.
First off, I don't think what Brandon and I do has anything to do with some kind of rape fantasy. Yes, there is a power struggle. I mean I really do give it my best shot, trying to fight him off and get away and all, but there is no roleplaying about it. I might give it my best shot, but the entire time we are both smiling and laughing and having a good time. I imagine that rape roleplaying is nothing like that. Also, there is no doubt that even though I'm fighting him I want it just as badly as he does and as soon as he has overpowered me I stop fighting and become very enthusiastic about the great sex we are having. Again I imagine for a rape roleplay that isn't exactly how it works... isn't the whole idea that you are being "forced" to do something you "don't" want to do? So I definitely think these are two separate things, but share a common idea: the struggle for dominance.
Now to broach a topic that makes me feel very ashamed and perverted, my own semi-rape fantasy. I hate this because having been actually raped I should abhor the very idea! So why don't I? Is it because of my experience that I have this fantasy? Did I on some level "like" what happened to me? Ugh, I can barely type those questions, let alone really think about them! My "rape" fantasy is way more than what I actually experienced. My fantasy is about being kidnapped... I guess it has to do with stockholms syndrome. Being kidnapped, held against my will, forced to have sex, and eventually falling in love with my captor. In my fantasy my kidnapper is a kind man though, and perhaps wouldn't have kidnapped me except I got in the way of some other illegal thing he was doing. So he's kind and considerate and even gentle, but of course there is that firm, domly quality too, but not mean. So there is that. Make of it what you will. My own actual rape experience was a violating quicky in an alley at the college I attended. The guy was not kind (what rapist really ever is? it would be a rare thing), and the whole thing was absolutely terrifying and horrible and I quit college because of it and never went back.
So, moving on to less uncomfortable topics: bratting! Yes, every once in a while I enjoy being a brat, and Brandon enjoys it too. Bratting for us is a game. It isn't topping from the bottom, or me trying to get a spanking, it is just some good fun that usually leads to tickling or sometimes a spanking. Well last night I accidentally took it too far. We have this one spanking impliment that hurts like none other. It is called the "cats paw". I have no idea where it originally came from. My mom bought it long ago and used it on us children when we were bad (I'm not kidding, this is real) but I have no idea where she got it from. Well, recently I was exploring a drawer in my moms room and found it stashed away. I honestly thought it had been lost, but when I found it I started laughing and took it to my mom and showed her. She asked me if I wanted it "to use on my kids" and I said yes, originally thinking that because it was so effective for me when I was a kid I would use it on my children. I've since changed my mind, mostly because Brandon found that he liked to use it on me. Is it odd that something that was used to spank me when I was a kid is used again now that I'm an adult? Anyway, this thing is about 12 inches long and maybe a 1/4 of an inch thick. It is made of rubber I think and is nice and flexible. Trust me, a very light smack with this thing stings pretty wickedly. Okay, moving along with the story. Brandon used it on my upturned wrists last night as punishment for some bratty thing I did (all in good fun) and for some reason it doesn't hurt there as badly as it does on my bum. Well, a few minutes later I give him a good smack on his butt with it. Believe me, I didn't mean to hit him as hard as I actually did and I thought at most this bit of bratting would bring loads of tickling or maybe a few spankings with his hand... unfortunately for my poor bum I hit him pretty hard and in turn got some very hard spankings myself with that wicked thing. See the most wicked thing about this Cats Paw is that it stings horridly, but the sting doesn't last long and me being the masochist I am I quickly forget how much I hate it and decide I really want to spanked with it again. Sometimes I hate myself. So today I tried very hard to conciously make an effort to not get spanked with it again today. I was tempted to brat it up in hopes of getting spanked with it again, but I restrained myself and did as I was told and even resisted the temptation to smack Brandon with it again. What I did do (because I couldn't help myself) was put it out in plain sight on my nightstand. The night isn't over... who knows what will happen (I seriously need help!).
So the key point from that story is this: Don't attempt to spank your Top/Dom/Master/HOH, bratting in such a way may get you more than you bargained for. Unless of course you are a masochist like me who can't stop yourself from putting yourself in such situations. And secretly love it. And hate it at the same time. And now I'm rambling. So I'm going to stop.
Brandon's thoughts on the wrestling: "I don't see it that way [as any kind of rape fantasy roleplaying thing] at all. You want to have sex, you just want me to get it from you. You want to play and prolong it and have a bit of fun, that's all."
First off, I don't think what Brandon and I do has anything to do with some kind of rape fantasy. Yes, there is a power struggle. I mean I really do give it my best shot, trying to fight him off and get away and all, but there is no roleplaying about it. I might give it my best shot, but the entire time we are both smiling and laughing and having a good time. I imagine that rape roleplaying is nothing like that. Also, there is no doubt that even though I'm fighting him I want it just as badly as he does and as soon as he has overpowered me I stop fighting and become very enthusiastic about the great sex we are having. Again I imagine for a rape roleplay that isn't exactly how it works... isn't the whole idea that you are being "forced" to do something you "don't" want to do? So I definitely think these are two separate things, but share a common idea: the struggle for dominance.
Now to broach a topic that makes me feel very ashamed and perverted, my own semi-rape fantasy. I hate this because having been actually raped I should abhor the very idea! So why don't I? Is it because of my experience that I have this fantasy? Did I on some level "like" what happened to me? Ugh, I can barely type those questions, let alone really think about them! My "rape" fantasy is way more than what I actually experienced. My fantasy is about being kidnapped... I guess it has to do with stockholms syndrome. Being kidnapped, held against my will, forced to have sex, and eventually falling in love with my captor. In my fantasy my kidnapper is a kind man though, and perhaps wouldn't have kidnapped me except I got in the way of some other illegal thing he was doing. So he's kind and considerate and even gentle, but of course there is that firm, domly quality too, but not mean. So there is that. Make of it what you will. My own actual rape experience was a violating quicky in an alley at the college I attended. The guy was not kind (what rapist really ever is? it would be a rare thing), and the whole thing was absolutely terrifying and horrible and I quit college because of it and never went back.
So, moving on to less uncomfortable topics: bratting! Yes, every once in a while I enjoy being a brat, and Brandon enjoys it too. Bratting for us is a game. It isn't topping from the bottom, or me trying to get a spanking, it is just some good fun that usually leads to tickling or sometimes a spanking. Well last night I accidentally took it too far. We have this one spanking impliment that hurts like none other. It is called the "cats paw". I have no idea where it originally came from. My mom bought it long ago and used it on us children when we were bad (I'm not kidding, this is real) but I have no idea where she got it from. Well, recently I was exploring a drawer in my moms room and found it stashed away. I honestly thought it had been lost, but when I found it I started laughing and took it to my mom and showed her. She asked me if I wanted it "to use on my kids" and I said yes, originally thinking that because it was so effective for me when I was a kid I would use it on my children. I've since changed my mind, mostly because Brandon found that he liked to use it on me. Is it odd that something that was used to spank me when I was a kid is used again now that I'm an adult? Anyway, this thing is about 12 inches long and maybe a 1/4 of an inch thick. It is made of rubber I think and is nice and flexible. Trust me, a very light smack with this thing stings pretty wickedly. Okay, moving along with the story. Brandon used it on my upturned wrists last night as punishment for some bratty thing I did (all in good fun) and for some reason it doesn't hurt there as badly as it does on my bum. Well, a few minutes later I give him a good smack on his butt with it. Believe me, I didn't mean to hit him as hard as I actually did and I thought at most this bit of bratting would bring loads of tickling or maybe a few spankings with his hand... unfortunately for my poor bum I hit him pretty hard and in turn got some very hard spankings myself with that wicked thing. See the most wicked thing about this Cats Paw is that it stings horridly, but the sting doesn't last long and me being the masochist I am I quickly forget how much I hate it and decide I really want to spanked with it again. Sometimes I hate myself. So today I tried very hard to conciously make an effort to not get spanked with it again today. I was tempted to brat it up in hopes of getting spanked with it again, but I restrained myself and did as I was told and even resisted the temptation to smack Brandon with it again. What I did do (because I couldn't help myself) was put it out in plain sight on my nightstand. The night isn't over... who knows what will happen (I seriously need help!).
So the key point from that story is this: Don't attempt to spank your Top/Dom/Master/HOH, bratting in such a way may get you more than you bargained for. Unless of course you are a masochist like me who can't stop yourself from putting yourself in such situations. And secretly love it. And hate it at the same time. And now I'm rambling. So I'm going to stop.
Brandon's thoughts on the wrestling: "I don't see it that way [as any kind of rape fantasy roleplaying thing] at all. You want to have sex, you just want me to get it from you. You want to play and prolong it and have a bit of fun, that's all."
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