Friday, April 23

What a pleasant surprise!

It was later than I had expected when I finally got home. Brandon had told me to expect a surprise when I arrived and had instructed that I call him when I was on my way so he could be sure to set it all up for me.  I had no idea what to expect or what the surprise could be, but I followed instructions and had called him at 10pm when I was getting in my car to head home.  I walked in the door so full of information and excited to tell him all about my day, but I was cut short by an order I thought I'd never hear.

"Strip.  Right now."

I froze.  Had I really heard him right?  Had he really just ordered me to strip upon walking in the door?  Where was this leading?  I gathered my wits about me and looked at him.

"Seriously?" I asked, just to be sure.

"Strip.  Right now." Brandon repeated the order.  His face was blank with a hint of command.  There was no smile telling me it was a joke, or that he was just playing around.  He was completely serious! 

After I recovered from my shock I quickly did as I was told and stripped right there in the living room.  He guided me away from anything I could trip over and then took my hands and instructed me to close my eyes.
His voice was a little softer, the stern command had softened.  Again I complied and smiled a confused smile as I closed my eyes.  He slowly led me telling me to trust him.  I tried to pay attention to where we were going.  Were we going to turn right into the bedroom for some bondage games and sex?  What had my lovely husband planned for me?

We turned left into the bathroom and I could smell candles burning.  I still wasn't sure what exactly was happening but I now understood that he had most likely drawn me a bath.  When he let me open my eyes I was proven correct, but not only had he drawn me a deliciously hot bath, he had heated up dinner, and set up my laptop so we could watch our favorite tv show together as I relaxed.

It was so completely romantic and wonderful!  With a little dash of dominance and control.  I was so happy!

Monday, April 19

A sadness overwhelms me

There is a song that the birds sing
In the early hours of the morning
As I lay amongst a field of flowers
And the sun dries last night’s rain

Rushing past me, I hear a river’s sigh
Content on its journey to unknown
I smell the earth, the trees, the water
I feel the wind as it whispers all its secrets

My hands reach out to feel the tall grass
As it bends softly in the breeze
I breathe in deep the fresh, cool air
And smile as a calm overtakes me

I only wish this weren’t a dream
A fleeting memory, a moment past
If I open my eyes it all disappears
And fades into the darkness of my mind

By Alice W.

Thursday, April 15

What Submission Means to Me

So, I’ve started this, deleted it, and started it again many many times. Although I understand what I want to say, it doesn’t seem to be coming out in words very well. This is my last attempt and then I’m probably just going to post it and it will probably be confusing, but that is okay. At least I know what I’m trying to say, right?


So, to get on with it. Here are some definitions just so we are all on the same page when I use these words:

submit: to subject oneself to the power or authority of another

subject: being under domination, control, or influence; being under dominion, rule, or authority

Brandon and I have strange dynamic. It is not one that I care to label with titles such as D/s, DD, or M/s, although if I had to pick one I’d say that we have a D/s relationship heading towards an M/s relationship. However, we will never use titles such as Sir or Master or sub or slave because we don’t really feel the need to. I will say that I am attracted to the idea of using Sir or Master to address him because I feel it portrays my respect and shows that I am fully aware of his position in our relationship versus mine. Brandon seems to be very adverse to the use of titles because it takes away from the personal aspect and he feels it sets us apart too much. All that being said, our dynamic is one of dominance and submission. I want to talk about the submission part of this without involving any kink, etc. in my post. To me submission is not about the kink, it is about the state of being, the mindset of surrendering one’s self to another.

I used to think it was about the kink. I wanted rules and punishments and many other things that I felt defined submission. There was a time when I tried to change Brandon into the “Dom” that I thought he could/should be. I bought books on S&M, I got him to by rope and we tried some bondage, I even got him to make rules and to punish me when I broke them, but it wasn’t living up to what I thought it should be. Probably because I was “topping from the bottom”, trying to control a situation that I really didn’t want to have any control over. Eventually and gradually all I’d tried to build fell apart and for a time I was disappointed and felt that Brandon had failed me. It has taken time and lots of reflection to realize that I was wrong, that I had completely misunderstood submission and today I feel that I have a better grasp and a more accurate view.

As I said, I no longer see submission as needing all that kinky stuff to make it “true” submission. I see it more as a state of mind or being. I think Brandon knew this all along and was quietly waiting for me to figure it out for myself. He has subtly led me into submission, true submission, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Every day, from the moment that I wake up, my goal is to serve him and please him. I don’t need rules to do this, simply his guidance. We have a routine that he set before I realized what true submission was and I’ve been submitting to him for a while without even realizing it. I serve him daily, catering to his desires and his needs before my own. Yes, I believe that Brandon has patiently and silently led me into submission to him and I was completely unaware. However, this past week I have been thinking on submission deeply and ultimately what it comes down to for me. I have come to the conclusion that I have much to learn and much to strive for in my submission to Brandon.

This is what I believe: submission is complete and total surrendering of one’s rights and will to another. Those are strong, powerful words, complete and total. It means that nothing is left out; every last part of me; body and mind are to be surrendered to Brandon. Nothing held back. This terrifies me, and yet I so want it. I know I want it. I’ve taken a step further into my submission by coming to this conclusion. For me this is a big step, and it scares me half to death, but I know it is what will fulfill me, Brandon, and our relationship.



Brandon,

I give you my body, mind, and will. I am no longer free to do as I please, but I belong to you and I will strive in everything to please you and serve you. I submit myself to you, holding nothing back. I promise to obey, honor, and respect you as long as we both shall live. Please be patient with me as I am not perfect and I will struggle at times, and fail at times. Guide me with kindness and understanding. Lead me gently but firmly. Remind me of these promises I make to you when it seems I have forgotten them. Love me and care for me. I am yours, forever.

-Alice

Monday, April 12

A little push

So, I guess all Brandon needed was a little push, or for me to let him know that I was ready and willing and wanting a bit of kinkiness back in our life.  I hate just walking up to him and asking for what I want so I decided to be blatantly creative about how I told him.  While he was at work one day (a few days back) I set up a little arrangment on our bed.  I laid out all the toys I wanted to play with and some toys I thought he might want to play with too (even though I didn't really want to).  Then on top of all of that I put a little heart shaped note specifying that I'd like to "play" when we next get the chance.  It didn't happen that night and he told me to put all the toys and things away.  I was afraid he might forget or just decide not to do anything about it, but then 2 days later we are getting all hot and heavy and he pulls out the toy bag.  I was a very happy girl that night.  There was a bit of everything, spanking, teasing, he even folded up our rope and made it into a makeshift gag and horse reins... and there was the reappearance of the butt plug.  I do not hate or love that thing... but I'm not quite ambivilent about it either.  It makes me anxious, and nervous.  He didn't pull it out for play until I was very into our play and I had the vibrator on my clit and the gag still in my mouth.  From the moment that I felt him start to push it in I was whining and shaking my head in protest.  He ignored it and just kept slowly easing it into my backside.  After a while it started to hurt so I spit out the gag (with his permission of course) and I told him that it hurts a little.  He didn't want to take it out of me I think because he tried a few different things asking if that or this made it hurt less before finally removing it.  I thought that was the end of it, but he just lubed it up more and pushed it back in.  I have to say I'm glad he is so insistent on this because I'd be to afraid if it was left up to me and that evil little black thing would never be used.

Anyway, his domination didn't end that night because last night he got right back into it and was even more dominant.  We didn't play with any toys but his dominance was even more clear in the way he placed his hand around my throat, pulled my head back by my hair and spanked me.  Even in the way he had sex with me it was clear who was in charge.

So yes, I am now a very content, happy little girl.

Tuesday, April 6

It has been a while

I can't believe that I've neglected this blog for over a month!  I haven't had much to write about and so I haven't thought about it much.  With moving and preparing for baby Brandon and I have been pretty preoccupied and our kink has been put on the back burner.  I've actually been okay with that for the past month or so, but this past week I've been craving it again.  Brandon has such an obsession with my butt that tender loving little smacks as I walk past him have not been ignored, but what I'd like soon is a nice long session.  I've been pretty obedient and so I haven't needed any punishment, but I crave a bit of pain, preferably in the general buttock area.  I don't even want it connected with anything sexual (although, sex would be nice too, but there is no lack of that), not even a bit of fondling.  I just want maybe a reminder.  A reminder that he remembers that I need this occaisionally, that he loves me, and that if it was neccessary then he would not hesitate to punish.  I want to feel all his attention and love focused on me, and although sex would be much more "normal" for such a feeling, the mild pain of a spanking session is what I crave. I imagine that for the first month after baby is born there will be no sex and no kink and it could be longer as my body heals, so we have precious little time left to do (almost) anything we want.  I want Brandon to pull my head back by my hair and remind me who I belong to.  I want him to tell me that I'm his and no one elses.  The feeling of belonging that I get from his undivided attention in such a way is the most intense feeling I could ever imagine.  The only problem is that in the evening after he gets home from work and we've eaten dinner and he has had his relaxation time I am too tired to want this anymore.  And on the days that he has off we are busy doing all the other things that need to be done and spending time with family.  I  don't know where we can fit in even a little session.  Perhaps all I need to do is let Brandon know that I need this sometime soon and then he can find the right time for the both of us.  Yes, this seems like the proper way to handle things.