Recently I've been really struggling internally. And that internal struggle has manifested outwardly in rebellion, tantrums, and loads of disrespect. Sometimes we just have days where we wake up, and tada! We suddenly see where we've been wrong and what we should do to fix it. Here is the apology letter that I wrote by hand to Brandon:
Dear husband,
I want to apologize for the rebellious attitude that I have had lately, and all the temper tantrums I have thrown these past 2 weeks as well. I have not been very respectful in my attitude towards you and I am really sorry you have had to put up with such behavior from your wife. Although I don't completely understand why I have been acting this way, I do think I know partly why.
My heart and my mind are struggling with each other over submission. What I have been struggling with is that although I desire to submit to you fully, I was raised to be independent and even to believe, by watching my parents, that I (the wife) know best. So even though I know how it really should be and I definitely want it that way, my head is telling me that it is wrong and it shouldn't be that way and that I shouldn't want to be submissive to you.
I don't mean to use any of these as an excuse because I know they aren't. I know what is right and so I have no excuse for acting the way I have been. I will do my best from now on to be respectful, to do as I am told with a good attitude, and to refrain from throwing temper tantrums. If I do act disrespectfully or badly in any way and you deem it necessary to punish me I will do my best to accept it graciously in the knowledge that I was wrong and deserve to receive such correction (that I know you give because you love me).
I truly am sorry for my recent bad attitudes. You deserve to be treated better than I have been treating you. I love you very much and I am so thankful that you have been as patient and tolerant as you have been. I definitely didn't deserve it. I ask that you forgive me, and help me to remember this in the future.
Your loving wife,
Alice
3 comments:
I was raised believing much the same as you... although my mom's mindset on the matter was a bit harsher... the effect is still the same. After growing up with this mentality... as much as you know it's not right, it still manages to invade your consciousness at the worst times.
Would it help if I said it does get easier with time to overcome that conditioning?
*hugs*
turiya
My parents' marriage is not one to model my own after. When I was about 10 years ole it all started falling apart, and I was my mom's "best friend". She told me everything. It caused me to have worries and such that a 10 year old shouldn't have. By the time I was 14 years old I was advising her to divorce him and having long deep discussions about what was happening between them and why their marriage was kaput (seriously not issues for a teenager!) Anyway, I've been discovering that quite a few things have been conditioned into me due to this and have caused me to believe some major lies which in turn have thoroughly messed with my head.
I know it will get better with time, but isn't there just some way to suddenly switch from believing one thing to the next and acting on it? I wish!
Oh I wish it could be that simple too. Would make things so much easier.
*hugs*
turiya
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