The Emotions Rollercoaster

Today has been a jumble of emotions and desires.  I woke up sad, and feeling lonely and I started about my day in such a manner fixing Brandon breakfast half-heartedly and putting together his lunch of left-overs.  I tried to express the lonliness I felt by playfully trying to keep him from leaving for work.  I didn't know at the time why I felt sad or even that I felt lonely so I was trying to push it out of my mind and just be a playful childlike girl. It made Brandon smile to see that I didn't want him to go, but he had to and just as it really was time for him to leave I let him drag me out of the way.  By which I mean I didn't put up any resistance and simply let him move me from in front of the door.  After he left I decided to curl up in bed for a bit and maybe try and sleep or just focus on numbing myself to these feelings that I had no reason for.

Later my mood changed to one of wanting to really please Brandon by doing all he'd asked me to do and doing it well.  I wanted him to come home to a good wife and a clean house and dinner cooking... but when this mood began I was occupied with my son and tending to his needs and by the time I was done and he was contentedly asleep in his crib the mood had disappeared and was replaced by one of annoyance and a bit of anger.

"Why can't Brandon help me clean our room?  He makes a mess of it too!  I'll just wait till he comes home to do anything and make him see how unreasonable he's being and get him to help me." I thought.  "Also, he's the man, he should go to the (apartment) office and tell them we need our apartment sprayed for bugs again.  I don't feel like lugging baby all the way down there and back."  I actually pouted as though someone could see and hear what I was thinking.  This time instead of trying to rid myself of these feelings I built on them, finding more and more things that annoyed or angered me and building my level of frustration and determination.  I found myself asking why Brandon is in charge, why do I submit to him?  Why does he expect it?  And why is it the right way for us?  I started getting bitter on top of the anger, frustration, and annoyance.  I laid down and quickly fell asleep, taking a 2 hour nap.

When I woke up my mood had changed again.  This time I felt overwhelmingly hopeless.  The original feelings of sadness and lonliness had crept back in and this time I embraced them.  I recognized the lonliness and started trying to find reasons for it.  Did I feel lonely because I wasn't getting enough attention from Brandon yesterday?  Did I feel lonely because everyone is off finishing their summer with vacations and fun trips and I am stuck here day after day doing all the same old boring things?  I still haven't figured it out.  I just know that right now I feel useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small.   Very small, like a bug scurrying about trying to stay out from under the hurried feet of humans, searching for a dark protected place to hide.  I can feel myself all curled up in a corner of my mind, hiding from... well something, but I'm not sure what.  I wish I could physically do the same, but I have responsibilities that I can't and won't hide from.  My precious baby boy is more important than what I feel like doing at the moment.

The chores aren't done.  I know I'll be in trouble, and that Brandon will be disappointed but I have no will-power right now.  I can't make myself get up and do as I should.  Brandon will be home any time now and I've done nothing to please him.  He will be displeased.  But I can't find the will to care.  I feel empty and numb, and at the same time all the things I mentioned above (useless, hopeless, sad, lonely, and small).