eScala - Palladio (Karl Jenkins)

Absolutely love this! Found it by accident while listening to Pandora Radio.  I myself own a violin that Brandon got me for Christmas one year, however I have yet to learn how to play it.  Violin lessons are extremely expensive!  Music like this inspires my creativity.  Mostly it inspires me to dance and express myself in that manner.  I could listen to this all day long and not grow tired of it.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I'm pissed!

Okay, so the 6 weeks of decreed no penetration are up and Brandon and I can finally have sex!  Or not... my freakin' period showed up yesterday.  Is it not clear how mad I am about this...? MY FREAKING PERIOD IS HERE AND I AM PISSED TO ALL HELL!!!  Okay, that felt good.  I got my prescription for birth control filled today.  Do you know how tempted I am to not take it?  I'd seriously love to get pregnant with a little boy or girl again, but I know I need to be patient.  We aren't ready for another child, yet.  Someday.  Plus I need to give my body time to heal first. 

A few days ago I got myself put on sweets restriction because I consumed 16 Reeses cups in under 3 hrs... Brandon was pretty angry.  I totally understand where he is coming from, wanting me to eat healthy and all that so I really don't blame him for being mad.  The thing is he only knew at first that I'd eaten 8 and he put me on a pretty short restriction of a few days, but yesterday, me feeling guilty about lying, told him that it had really been 16 so now he doesn't know when my restriction will be up.  Brandon was really sweet about it actually after being a little mad and telling me that he didn't know when my restriction would be up now, he reminded me how much he loved me and that even though he was punishing me he wasn't going to stay mad.  He forgave me he just also felt I needed to be taught a lesson.  I do hope it is lifted before the party I'm throwing late July though because it would suck to have all these deserts laid out for people to eat and not be able to touch a single one!  It does really bum me out that this happened right as I got my period because I am one of those girls who craves loads of chocolate during that time and to not be able to have any, well that blows.

again... I HATE THAT I HAVE TO WAIT FOR SEX STILL!  Okay, technically I know we could have sex even though I'm on my period, but it pretty much grosses both of us out so not going to happen.  Ending note:

I want sex.  Okay, I'm done

Overwhelming myself

I really shouldn't try to take on too much myself.  I do this all the time and totally over-stress and overwhelm myself to the point of major frustration.  On top of serving Brandon, taking care of baby boy, and cleaning the house I have been trying to find time to make homemade bread, rolls, etc.  I've also been trying to implement that schedule I mentioned... yeah, that was going well until I stopped following it!  I've been getting lazy again, waiting until the last minute to do my chores, not getting dressed until late in the day, and just generally lying around between baby boy's feedings.  I think the overall laziness is making me lethargic and cranky.  The thing is, I do get everything done that I'm supposed to do by the time Brandon gets home from work so there hasn't really been a breach of the rules.  I guess I've just got to make myself manage my time better by sticking to the schedule I made and not allowing myself to sit down until the chores are done.  By putting my desires before Brandon's I'm being really selfish and self serving.  It has to stop!

By the way, if any of you have a good tomato bisque recipe I'd love to get it from you!  Brandon has been really wanting some and I have never made it before.

A Revealing

I'm about to talk about something I've never told anyone.  The reason I am talking about it here is that I feel the anonymity of this place allows me to open up and be honest about things I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about otherwise.  I've never talked about why Brandon and I took on a D/s like marriage.  At first it was still too painful a thing to share, then I felt too ashamed, now I need an outlet to talk about some things that would be innapropriate to discuss with my husband, and too uncomfortable to discuss with any close friends.

The first year of our marriage was not like this.  I worked, I made decisions, I ruled.  We loved each other very much, but didn't realize how detrimental this was to our marriage.  This led to a terrible decision on my part, something I will forever regret.  I started an affair, it didn't last long, but several months was still too long.  During this time I left my husband, told him I wanted a divorce, and moved in with the guy I was seeing.  This guy was a self proclaimed Dom, that was a joke!  He was abusive.  Not that he beat me, but it could have easily gone down that road.  He cut me off from my friends and family, only allowing those in my life that he chose because they posed no threat to him.  He also demanded things of me sexually that I didn't want to give, but through manipulation and coercion he got them.  I finally realized what was happening when I had to go behind his back and call my mom just to talk to her.  During all of this Brandon never stopped fighting for me, not once.  I am extremely lucky that he was able to forgive me and accept me back as his wife.

Once we were back together we both talked and realized that our problem had stemmed from a resentment that I'd never expressed.  I explained that I didn't want to be in charge.  I wanted him to lead, to be more dominant.  Before I'd had no respect for him even though I loved him.  We are both christians, but we hadn't been living like it for a while, nor had we been trying to hide that fact.  After lots of talking, reading, and praying we agreed that in a christian marriage the husband is commanded to be the head of the house, the leader of his wife, and the wife is commanded to submit to her husband.  I don't believe that this means there is no equality.  We are equals in that I am not less than Brandon, but we both have different roles in our marriage that allow us to work together and live together more harmoniously.  That is how our D/s dynamic came to be put into place.

What I really want to talk about though is what happened with the other man.  Obviously I can't discuss this with Brandon, nor do I feel comfortable discussing it with anyone else.  I don't even expect any sort of response from those of you who read this blog.  I do however need to tell someone what happened, and guess what, you guys are it because you don't know who I am.  At first there was just flirtation, he made me feel special and I had been feeling lonely so I was easily drawn to any kind of attention.  I'd been interested in BDSM for quite a while before this and eventually we started talking about that as well.  He told me he was a Dom and at the time Brandon wasn't fulfilling the needs I had in that area (because I didn't tell him, so totally my fault here) and so I turned to this guy for those needs.  I don't know why I let it get sexual.  It wasn't my intention, I didn't even want to have sex with the guy, but the dominance excited me and I wanted to try it out.  After I moved in with him the abuse began.  He berated me when I told him I wasn't ready to swallow his cum (I can't do it, my gag reflex is just too strong) and held me down as he came all over my face, then he still made me swallow it.  I couldn't though and spit it all up and he treated me like dirt for that.  When I would use my safeword during play he would get mad and either ignore it or storm out of the room telling me how useless I was.  It got to the point that I only had sex with him because I believed that I didn't have any other choice.  I no longer wanted to be with him, but I didn't know what to do.  I was too ashamed at that point to go back to Brandon, even though he kept persuing me, and I'd pushed away all my friends at the command of this guy.  So I continued on, allowing myself to be used and abused and eventually he beat down all my defenses and I would do anything he said.  Luckily for me the only thing I kept was my desire to talk to my mother, not about what was happening, but just to hear her voice and know she was there.  One night when the guy was out I conjured up a bit of bravery and called her.  We talked for a long time and she pointed out to me that I was in a completely unhealthy relationship.  Somehow I was able to open my eyes and really see what was happening.  Brandon and I started talking and meeting and a friend of ours helped me move out and back in with Brandon.  I take all the blame for the affair, leaving Brandon, hurting him so horribly, and making such a huge mistake.  However, I also know that there came a point when I was helpless to act or speak for myself, and although I am lucky to have gotten out, it scares me that I ever allowed it to go that far.  I know I will never do this again, or allow that much control to be exerted over me.  Brandon would never do those things to me.  Instead of constantly trying to prove his dominance, he is constantly proving his love for me, if this means taking control then he does, if this means allowing me to make a decision then he does that too.  He would never take family or friends away from me, and never force me to do anything I didn't want to do.  I have been thinking on this part of my past lately because Brandon asked me if I would ever let him cum on my face.  I told him no, and I wanted to tell him why, but I couldn't.  I can't allow him to do that because it would be too much of a reminder of my horrid affair.

The Rules Are Back

A while ago I posted that we didn't use rules because we'd tried and it just didn't work for us.  We used expectations instead, for example Brandon expects that I do the chores he assigns to me daily, or expects that in the morning I will get up and make his breakfast and lunch and that at night I will make his dinner.  However, last night I asked him not necessarily for rules but for more accountability.  I've been slacking off on alot of things and I felt that it just was getting worse because there were no consequences for not doing what I should.  It wasn't too bad, but I could see it getting pretty bad if it wasn't stopped now.  I wasn't slacking off in doing as I'm told, but other things like taking care of myself and making sure to clean up after myself.  So when I asked him to hold me accountable he agreed and it looks like the rules are back.  Some of them are redundant because I already do them but now they are out there as something that I could be disciplined for if I slacked off and didn't do it or forgot.

These new rules are something that I think will slowly form over time as Brandon sees an area in which I need accountability or guidance.  For now this is what I have:

1. Complete the chores that Brandon assigns me each day.
2. Wash my face, and brush my teeth every morning and evening.
3. Be sure to throw away dirty diapers after changing baby boy. (I tend to leave them on the changing table and they end up making a pile before I take care of it, or Brandon ends up throwing them away.)
4. Be respectful in my actions and my speech.

I don't think that the morning ritual of making him breakfast and his lunch will be a rule because baby boy's needs come first in the morning.  However, it is still something that I will try to be sure to do as often as I can because it really makes him feel loved.

So the rules are back.  We'll see how it goes this time.

Father's Day

I'm so excited that Brandon gets to celebrate Father's Day this year!  This has never been a great time of the year for me growing up.  My dad doesn't receive gifts well.  He is very stoic about it, which can and was very upsetting to me and my siblings.  We've since stopped giving him gifts because we believe they aren't appreciated.  And truly mostly they aren't.  Last year my mom had my brothers buy him some clothes, which he proceeded to ask for the receipt so he could take them back, not because they didn't fit or they weren't his style.  He simply didn't want them.

I've recently learned that my dad has Bi-Polar disease and a less intense form of Schizophrenia.  Growing up with him was a roller coaster.  I remember times when he would promise outlandish things that I knew he'd never follow through on.  One time he told us if we could run 7 miles around the track all in a row (no stopping) then he would give us $200... we were poor, he didn't have that money to give us.  So many lies, that is what I remember most about growing up with him.  He finally drove me away at 19.  He always made me feel inferior and like nothing I ever did was good enough.  Even when I worked my way up to management at my company, becoming manager at 21 it wasn't good enough.  It was then that I vowed to never expect to live up to his expectations because I never could.  It was killing me to try.  When I was 22 my parents got divorced.  At this time my dad wasn't working, he wasn't taking his meds, and he wasn't even trying to be a father.  My mom did the best thing for our family by divorcing him.  He'd been dragging us down all our lives and after 23 years of marriage she had to say no more.  I go through spurts of time where I'm so angry at him, and others where I feel sorry for him.  Right now I am both.  I am angry because he was supposed to be my dad but instead he threw all of that away because he couldn't get his act together, and I am sad that my baby doesn't have a real grandpa, and also because I see how my dad is with my baby and I wish he could be that happy all the time.  He's been estranged by his family, pushed out like garbage and for that I pity him, no one should be treated like that (except rapists, wife/child beaters, and pedophiles because they are garbage).  My dad shouldn't be treated like that.  I really do love my dad, but I don't like who he has become.

It Is Abundantly Clear

I have to say that since starting TTWD I have only felt a few times that I am at the mercy of Brandon.  It isn't often that he exerts so much dominance that I understand that I don't have much choice, he's going to do what he wants to do whether I like it or not.  Last night he made it abundantly clear that if he wants something he'll take it.  Doesn't matter if I'm trying to catch up on sleep!  I have to admit in the moment I was quite enjoying myself.  He stuck the butt plug in me as we fooled around.  He told me everything to do and everything not to do.  He was rough, slapping my breasts, my face, pulling my hair, etc.  I loved it! Not once did I want him to stop! Well, except for the fact that shortly before this he'd told me to go masturbate and I didn't really feel like having my pussy touched again, but I got over that quickly.  Anyway, yes, to do all this he woke me up.  It didn't matter much to me.  I'd go back to sleep later... but later didn't come until freakin' 2:30am!  If you are going to wake me up to take your pleasure you'd better be ready to deal with the baby so I can sleep later on!  That's all I have to say on the matter.

I really am liking the intensity with which Brandon's dominance is growing though and if I had been able to go back to sleep until 2:30 then I would have been much happier.  I absolutely loved what we did, but I'm a little ticked at the moment because I'm tired and I have way too much to do today to go take a nap.

The importance of safe words

I've recently read of a few different people who do not have any kind of safe word in their M/s or D/s relationship.  The idea of no safe word terrifies me.  As I really think it should anyone.  I do understand the idea behind it, total trust and giving over of all control to your Master, but at the same time don't we need to realize that as humans we all make mistakes, even our Master and in this lifestyle that mistake could possible mean serious injury or even death.  Safe words exist for a reason, to keep a sub/slave safe from a possibly damaging mistake or choice that her Master might make.  In my mind lack of a safe word= non-consensual because the sub/slave is forced to consent, there is no way out, ever.  I'm all for total trust and completely giving over control, but if my Master is going to do something stupid (such as lock me in a closet, room, cage while he is gone for any amount of time) I am definitely going to put a stop to it.  However, having a safe word doesn't mean that I can or will use it to get out of doing something that I simply don't want to do because it pushes me into an area that makes me nervous or uncomfortable.

It is my belief that it is not only for the safety of the sub/slave to have a safeword but also for the safety of the Master.  For example a Master is whiping his slave, if he isn't paying close enough attention he could very well hurt her badly.  A slave with no safeword would have no way to put an end to something like that, whereas a slave with a safeword can call it out and explain to her Master why she used it and lesson learned, he won't be as severe or go as long, whatever, next time and there will be no need for the safeword.  I also believe that the Master should take it upon himself to enforce the existance and use of a safeword.  Not only is he taking responsibility for the fact that he is human and will make mistakes, but it will also be a comfort to his slave that he cares enough to admit his weaknesses thus allowing her to trust him even more.  I have a safeword, but I've never used it and I won't unless either my body or my psyche is being hurt beyond what is safe.

Growing into being a mother

Yes, I'm starting get used to the lack of freedom I have now with a baby.  At first I felt stifled, caged, and it was really getting to me, but I'm growing into this precious time with my baby boy and don't feel so upset about it anymore.  There are a few things I've had to come to terms with.  One being that I'm just not one to breast feed.  I thought I wanted to, but that just makes the trapped and stifled feeling 10 times worse so I'm not going to risk my mental health for something that can be replaced with formula.  I still pump and feed him breast milk in a bottle, but even that is restricting so I'm starting to use more and more formula.  I did make the mistake of not pumping for an entire day and got engorged which turned into mastitis which gave me a horrid fever that started with the chills for hours and then ended with me being absolutely drenched in buckets of sweat.  I now get the title of Panic At The Disco's song "A fever you can't sweat out".  I also got a stomach ache and took ibuprofen for that not realizing that it would help break the fever. Also I've never had a fever like that so I didn't realize it was a fever.

Anyway, I thought I had more to talk about but now I can't remember.  I'm so tired.  Besides, baby boy last ate at 7am so it has been 3 1/2 hours and he should be waking up hungry again very soon.

Kink and Sex

Instead of writing an insane amount of different posts I'm going to cram them all into one long one.

Topic #1: Sex, without actually having sex

Yes, it is possible!  Okay, so Brandon and I (omg I almost used his real name!) have been having lots and lots of sexual fun and are re-exploring our D/s dynamic in the bedroom.  God has it been fun!  Three days ago, I think, we definitely had a blast.  It started with Brandon asking me to put on a thong for him, he has a major love of my bottom (you'd think that would mean he'd spank it pink more often, but no).  So I of course did as asked because I am such an obedient wife, plus I'm just as horny as he is.  This is how the rest of our fun encounter went:

Him (currently lying in a semi reclined position on the bed): You are so sexy!  Come attack me.

I smile and as sexily as I can crawl onto the bed and then on top of him and start kissing him aggresively.  I don't know how long we made out but it was nice.  While I was pregnant alot of the making out was skipped because my big belly made it so freakin' awkward.

Him (as he places his hand against my pussy): You can grind against my hand now.

Slightly embarrassed, I did as he said because as I said I am extremely horny and will deal with a little embarrassment if it means I can get off.  We did that for a little while but not too long because Brandon got impatient and wanted to change positions.

Him: I want you on your back.  I know you like being on your hands and knees more so you are going to spend some time on your back and if you're a good girl I might let you change positions.

That was the first time he has ever blatantly chosen something he wanted over something he knew I wanted.  First time ever!  It made me so hot!  Is that weird?  I think its weird, but thats okay because I like being weird.

(side note: it is 9:30am and I'm drinking coke... that may be why I seem a little strange at the moment)

He played with the vibrator a little pressing it against my clit, rubbing it up and down and all around.  Eventually he put my feet on his shoulders and started stimulating my asshole with a plug at the same time as making me go all crazy with pleasure with the vibrator.  I'm getting more and more used to the idea of my asshole being sexualized.  At that moment all I wanted was for him to shove the damn thing into my butt, however since I tore so badly from delivery I think it would be best to just wait until the doctor okays everything.  Now things get even more humiliating and hot at the same time.

He finally let me change positions to being on my hands and knees.  When I do this he likes my head and chest pressed against the bed so that my ass is high in the air.  He continued touching me with the vibrator and the plug but this time he did something I never would have expected.

Him: Reach behind and spread your butt cheeks for me.

I couldn't have been more embarrassed and more turned on at the same time.  Again I did as he commanded because I'm a good girl and because I didn't want anything to stop.  It still gets better.

Him: Are you close?

Me: Yes. (that was more breathy then can be expressed in writing that word)

Him: Tell me when you are about to cum and then I'll tell you when you can.

Me: *gasp*

Again something he's never done.  Apparently it was a night of firsts.  When I was ready I told him and he said, "Good, but don't cum until I say you can."  Of course that just made it all the more hard to hold it back, but somehow I managed.  A few seconds later he said, "Okay, you can cum now."  Does he like controling my orgasms?  Yes I think he's beginning to enjoy controlling me in any way he can.  As he started to get himself off he had me continue touching myself and he talked about all the different places he could cum on me.  He ended by cuming on my butt and between my butt cheeks.  He hasn't done that in a long time and I have to say I kind of missed the dirtiness of that act.

So, yesterday we had some more fun and this time it was again more about what he wanted than what I wanted.  It started because we were wrestling and I got his pants off and so he decided it was only fair to take mine off too.  That turned into him trying to touch me and me trying to keep him away.  I had been sick the night before and didn't feel like being all sexual at the moment, but the game we were playing was fun and I didn't think it would turn into anything so I kept playing.  Well, Brandon definitely had other ideas.  He told me to go into the bedroom, and when I refused he gave me that look and said "Girl" with that warning tone that told me if I didn't do as he said I would regret it.  So I shuffled my way into the room.  He told me to get on my hands and knees on the bed, but I still felt like being a bratty rebellious little girl and laid down on my back and pulled the blanket over me.  "Hands and knees now!" he commanded, but I just gave him a playful smile and shook my head no.  Now we have this thick leather strap that packs a wicked sting and when I saw him reaching for it I immediately changed my attitude.  Now, I was being uncooperative, but I also operate under the belief that even if I'm not in the mood Brandon can get me in the mood if he really wants to do something and also that to say no, unless I really have a good reason, is just plain mean.  If it were me and I really wanted to fool around or have sex and he said no I'd be hurt and humiliated (not in a good way).  So out came the vibrator and butt plug again and things were under way.  However, Brandon thought I was upset that he was forcing me to do something I didn't really want to do so we stopped.  I knew that he was bummed though and assured him that if he really wanted to play then it wasn't really my choice and we could do whatever he wanted and that I wasn't upset about it at all.  After a bit of time I got into it and just went along for the ride.  It was still full of commands and fun kinky stuff, but I don't feel like typing it all out.  None of it was really new, except that he called me bitch at one point, so I'm not going to expand on it.  It was just loads of fun and I'm reall glad he's getting back into Dom mode as intensely and fast as he is.

He did mention that I was much sexier now than when I was pregnant so that may have something to do with it.  I could have been hurt by that statement but I chose not to be because pregnant doesn't translate to sexy for everyone and I'm okay with that.  It isn't like we lacked sex during that time so what does it matter?

Okay, this has been a really long post so it looks like I'm going to do more than one post anyway.  Next one will be about non-sex related stuff.

Being punished, asking for control, and being a mom

Wow, being a mom is hard work!  I frequently find myself begging God to make my baby sleep, or stop crying at 2 or 3am.  Today, out of desperation, I decided to make a schedule that would help me take the needed time during the day to rest as well as get my chores done and keep the house somewhat clean.  As today I started halfway through the schedule tomorrow will be the real test.  Although I did put times down for each thing to be done, including feeding baby (I think I need a name to call him here) I do realize that those specific times may not always work out with what baby needs or wants.  Mostly it is a guideline so that I can look at it and see that after each feeding during the day I can relax, or I need to clean, or do my bible study, etc.  I think it will work to help me feel more in control of my life and not so much like it is spiraling out of control.  I'll keep you all updated on this and let you know what does work and what doesn't.

On to the next topic in the title... asking for control.  I don't mean asking to take control of myself and our life, but asking Brandon to take back control.  After we came home from the hospital with our little baby boy our life changed so much!  The past 4 weeks have been full of trial and error, changing our habits, and lots of just trying to figure things out.  Lately I've felt like a total wreck.  I feel weepy alot of the time, and just over all like a complete failure at life in general.  I think part of the reason is that I don't feel like I have control over anything, but I also don't feel like Brandon has taken control either.  It used to be that when he left for work he would tell me what I should do that day and that always set my goals for me and made me feel like I had accomplished something that was important to him.  He has stopped doing that, I think because he sees how overwhelmed I am and doesn't want to add any stress to my day if I feel like I can't get it done.  However, I really miss the instructions, the small amount of control that he exerts when he gives me my instructions for the day.  I haven't talked to him about this yet.  I really just started feeling this way a few days ago, but he was sick and I hadn't totally figured it out yet so I haven't said anything.  Today he did kind of fall back into that routine, but not totally.  Instead of actually telling me what to do he just said, "You should think about cleaning the kitchen if you get the chance today."  Thinking about doing something and actually doing it are two totally different things.  I know he was hinting that he'd really like it done, but he also added after that he didn't expect it to be all the way done, just somewhat clean.  I wish he'd just told me to do it and not allowed room for me to choose not to do it.  I did clean it, all the way, but I'd feel a greater sense of accomplishment if I knew I'd done it because he told me to and wouldn't accept any excuses.  So, tonight I think I'll tell him that I'm ready for his expectations to start coming back, slowly of course as I figure out the best ways to get things done while still taking care of myself, but I feel confidant that this is something I really need, especially now.

As for being punished... well I defied a direct order and now my toys have been taken away.  Let me start by saying that not being able to have sex makes me want it all the more.  Plus I'm also a horny little girl and pretty much always want to have sex, but not being able to makes the need all the more intense.  Anyway, Most of the uncomfortableness in that region has gone away and so I've been able to start playing with my vibrator to help ease all the hornyness, don't worry, Brandon is taken care of too.  Anyway, I had left it out and on our bedroom floor.  Brandon told me to put it away several times in one day and at the end of the day he informed me that since I had disobeyed him and not done as he asked then he had taken it away and I had to earn it back.  This was 3 days ago and he still hasn't told me what I need to do to earn it back.  It is killing me!  So, I'm being punished, and it sucks!

It looks like baby boy is waking up so I better go heat him up a bottle before he gets too cranky!  I'll try to update on the schedule thing again soon.  I think that part of me asking Brandon to take back control will be showing him my schedule and asking him to help me keep to it by going over it with me each day when he gets home from work or in the evening before bed.

I'm back, sorta

So, on May 15th my beautiful baby boy was joyfully welcomed into this world.  This would explain my lack of activity such as posting or commenting.  He is 2 1/2 weeks old now and my life is slowly getting in order.  Thats a lie, it is no where near being orderly.  He seems to be on a schedule, which should make my life simpler, but I just can't seem to keep up with time.  I wish that the 3 hours between his feedings could extend to 5 hours, or that time would just stop during those windows so that I could have unlimited amount of time to do all that needs to be done.  Being a mother is exhausting.  I'm so glad that I have Brandon to help me because I'm sure I couldn't do this on my own.  My little baby is so precious, and I love him so much!  He's gorgeous and I'd love to post a picture of my beautiful son, but that would not be such a brilliant idea.

Interesting thing happened, Brandon's sex drive has come back with a vengance.  He isn't holding anything back.  All the domly things I've loved have suddenly presented themself full force... the only problem is we can't have sex.  How absolutely frustrating is that?!  Apparently it isn't normal for women to want sex so soon after giving birth, but I can't help my nature.  I want it badly, he wants it badly, and we've got at least 3 1/2 more weeks to go... could be longer if the doctor says I haven't healed enough.  I did tear pretty badly and I still feel a little pain from that, but I'm hoping that these next 3 weeks will be plenty of time for my body to heal enough for sex.

I also think I'm a bit crazy.  For one thing I looked at my beautiful baby boy the other day and thought to myself, lets go again!  I'm ready!  I want to be pregnant again and have another beautiful baby.  Now, compared to many first time mothers my labor and delivery was fairly easy.  However, I did do it all naturally and I find that I'm amazed that I actually want to go through that again so quickly.  Yet, I wouldn't change a thing.  And I'd like to have another baby as soon as possible and I will most likely do it naturally again.  I'm fairly certain I've gone completely nuts.  Secondly, you know how some women get all forgetful during their pregnancy and might act a little blonde (or alot blonde), well I didn't do that so much during pregnancy but now, I am officially a ditz.  I'm extremely forgetful and very blonde.  How lame is that?!  I attribute it to lack of sleep... but that is really my fault because instead of napping when I can during the day to make up for lost sleep during the night I choose to clean house or cook, and then I still stay up till 1 or 2 am, so lack of sleep is really all my fault.

Luckily I haven't dealt with much depression.  Yes, there is a small bout here or there about something probably totally ridiculous, but on the whole I've been pretty happy and normal.  Hopefully it won't come later.

Anyway, so that is my update.  I'm back, but I probably won't be posting often.  This is a rare evening that I am not cooking dinner and baby is sleeping and so I have free time.  (I should be napping probably)