A Revealing

I'm about to talk about something I've never told anyone.  The reason I am talking about it here is that I feel the anonymity of this place allows me to open up and be honest about things I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about otherwise.  I've never talked about why Brandon and I took on a D/s like marriage.  At first it was still too painful a thing to share, then I felt too ashamed, now I need an outlet to talk about some things that would be innapropriate to discuss with my husband, and too uncomfortable to discuss with any close friends.

The first year of our marriage was not like this.  I worked, I made decisions, I ruled.  We loved each other very much, but didn't realize how detrimental this was to our marriage.  This led to a terrible decision on my part, something I will forever regret.  I started an affair, it didn't last long, but several months was still too long.  During this time I left my husband, told him I wanted a divorce, and moved in with the guy I was seeing.  This guy was a self proclaimed Dom, that was a joke!  He was abusive.  Not that he beat me, but it could have easily gone down that road.  He cut me off from my friends and family, only allowing those in my life that he chose because they posed no threat to him.  He also demanded things of me sexually that I didn't want to give, but through manipulation and coercion he got them.  I finally realized what was happening when I had to go behind his back and call my mom just to talk to her.  During all of this Brandon never stopped fighting for me, not once.  I am extremely lucky that he was able to forgive me and accept me back as his wife.

Once we were back together we both talked and realized that our problem had stemmed from a resentment that I'd never expressed.  I explained that I didn't want to be in charge.  I wanted him to lead, to be more dominant.  Before I'd had no respect for him even though I loved him.  We are both christians, but we hadn't been living like it for a while, nor had we been trying to hide that fact.  After lots of talking, reading, and praying we agreed that in a christian marriage the husband is commanded to be the head of the house, the leader of his wife, and the wife is commanded to submit to her husband.  I don't believe that this means there is no equality.  We are equals in that I am not less than Brandon, but we both have different roles in our marriage that allow us to work together and live together more harmoniously.  That is how our D/s dynamic came to be put into place.

What I really want to talk about though is what happened with the other man.  Obviously I can't discuss this with Brandon, nor do I feel comfortable discussing it with anyone else.  I don't even expect any sort of response from those of you who read this blog.  I do however need to tell someone what happened, and guess what, you guys are it because you don't know who I am.  At first there was just flirtation, he made me feel special and I had been feeling lonely so I was easily drawn to any kind of attention.  I'd been interested in BDSM for quite a while before this and eventually we started talking about that as well.  He told me he was a Dom and at the time Brandon wasn't fulfilling the needs I had in that area (because I didn't tell him, so totally my fault here) and so I turned to this guy for those needs.  I don't know why I let it get sexual.  It wasn't my intention, I didn't even want to have sex with the guy, but the dominance excited me and I wanted to try it out.  After I moved in with him the abuse began.  He berated me when I told him I wasn't ready to swallow his cum (I can't do it, my gag reflex is just too strong) and held me down as he came all over my face, then he still made me swallow it.  I couldn't though and spit it all up and he treated me like dirt for that.  When I would use my safeword during play he would get mad and either ignore it or storm out of the room telling me how useless I was.  It got to the point that I only had sex with him because I believed that I didn't have any other choice.  I no longer wanted to be with him, but I didn't know what to do.  I was too ashamed at that point to go back to Brandon, even though he kept persuing me, and I'd pushed away all my friends at the command of this guy.  So I continued on, allowing myself to be used and abused and eventually he beat down all my defenses and I would do anything he said.  Luckily for me the only thing I kept was my desire to talk to my mother, not about what was happening, but just to hear her voice and know she was there.  One night when the guy was out I conjured up a bit of bravery and called her.  We talked for a long time and she pointed out to me that I was in a completely unhealthy relationship.  Somehow I was able to open my eyes and really see what was happening.  Brandon and I started talking and meeting and a friend of ours helped me move out and back in with Brandon.  I take all the blame for the affair, leaving Brandon, hurting him so horribly, and making such a huge mistake.  However, I also know that there came a point when I was helpless to act or speak for myself, and although I am lucky to have gotten out, it scares me that I ever allowed it to go that far.  I know I will never do this again, or allow that much control to be exerted over me.  Brandon would never do those things to me.  Instead of constantly trying to prove his dominance, he is constantly proving his love for me, if this means taking control then he does, if this means allowing me to make a decision then he does that too.  He would never take family or friends away from me, and never force me to do anything I didn't want to do.  I have been thinking on this part of my past lately because Brandon asked me if I would ever let him cum on my face.  I told him no, and I wanted to tell him why, but I couldn't.  I can't allow him to do that because it would be too much of a reminder of my horrid affair.