I’ve been pondering lately the many contradictions in my life. I don’t trust people because I trust too easily and get hurt too often; I am a self proclaimed control freak who wants to let go of control and at the same time doesn’t because I am afraid of what will happen when I do; I love so much and yet still don’t love enough. The thing I’ve been pondering most is my need for control and my need to let go of control. How does this work? I can’t even begin to understand the contradictions this presents and yet I know they exist. I recognize my serious need to be in control of every situation, decision, and plan. I also feel my need to let it go and (almost) blindly follow someone else. How do you reconcile the two needs? When do you take control and when do you give it up?
Ah, I love the feeling of being out of control. Bondage, rules to follow that I didn’t dictate, a single command; yes I think there are many who might agree with me. There is a rush that I (we) get from this, whether it is manifested or simply a test of will power, the domination exerted over me brings me further and further into that heady space of submission. Oh how I desire this beautiful feeling every second of every day! To live as a slave is what I dream, but do I really want what I dream to become my reality? When I am not there, in this submissive head space, when life seems to lack control I uncontrollably step up and take control. Does this mean that I should be controlled every minute of every day by someone else? Or does this mean that I am not meant to be anything more than a sexual submissive?
I always come back to the same question and the same conclusion. Am I meant to be in control or am I meant to give up control? My answer is always the same: I meant for both. Then, I ask, is that even possible, to be meant to lead and to be meant to be led? I know, there are many high powered women who are submissive and in their job they are fantastic and strong leaders. But how do you separate one reality from the other when they are so contradictory? And are they truly submissive or do they somehow passively control their submission, or acts thereof? Does anyone have an answer?
1 comment:
I know exactly what you mean!
It took years, but I've finally learned to love this contradictory world of ours. It allows me to see things from all angles and have experiences I might not otherwise allow myself to have. It took a long time for me to accept the contradictions, and even now I'm sometimes not fully there. But the way I see it, we're meant to have a balance of both control and lack of. Without a certain amount of control in our lives, we wouldn't be able to handle the rough stuff and keep cool heads in crisis situations. But if we were always controlling, we would never have the power to let our egos step aside and consider the ideas and qualities other people have to offer.
Long story short - don't worry :) I think you're meant to be exactly who and what you are, and that balance makes you a beautiful person.
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