Please give me pain! and a little humilitaion...

It seems that the topic of pain is quite popular among those involved in any aspect of this lifestyle.  It makes sense because alot of times the things we do involve some level of discomfort or pain.  At some point everyone asks themselves if they are a masochist, a "pain slut".  I have put a bit of thought into this myself lately and have agreed with earlier declarations that I am indeed a masochist.

mas·och·ism (mās'ə-kĭz'əm)

1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

That is the definition given by Dictionary.com and numbers 1 and 2 definitely describe part of me.  However, it that definition is not all encompassing of my thoughts about pain and why I enjoy it so much.  Certain kinds of pain and humiliation are very sexual to me, while others are not and yet I enjoy both equally, probably the non-sexual kind much better than the sexual kind.

Sexually I enjoy erotic spankings, forms of humiliation, and other types of erotic pain applied to different errogenous zones.  Non-sexually I enjoy intense prolonged spanking, flogging on my back and breasts, and cutting.  Okay, so I know that last admission was a bit shocking, or not depending on whether you are into knife play or not.  Allow me to explain a little: cutting was my first experience with enjoying pain that I did not associate with anything sexual.  Yes, when I started I was depressed, withdrawn, and perhaps it was a bit of a cry for help.  However, that desire to feel the stinging pain of a cut and see the little white scar it leaves has never really gone away.  I don't cut anymore, mostly because the people that care about me would find out and would be very very concerned, plus there is the risk of cutting too deep or the wrong place so I just don't do it anymore at all.  The feeling that comes along with it though is something that I crave deeply.  It is like floating in the air, all the worries or stresses, or feelings of anger or sadness just disappear into that wonderful bite as the flesh is penetrated.  The relief, the delirious happiness that it brings is something I think I will always be addicted to.  I haven't found anything that made me feel quite that same way.  A good flogging almost gets me there and I know that maintenance spanking is pretty much used to produce the same effect, but spanking will never do that for me.

So this is my conclusion in regards to pain: I am a pain addict.  I respond to pain very much the same way that some people respond to alcohol or drugs.  There is no cure for this addiction only self-control.  I have been to a therapist and different techniques were tried, but they did not take away this desire to inflict pain on myself.  It did help for a while, but only about a month or two and then I was right back to eyeing the little safety pin that sat on my dresser, or the bobby pin that I knew could scratch away fless until blood was brought to the surface.  I write this and I think "God, Alice, you sound mentally insane! There is no one in the world that could understand why you like pain.  Everyone will think there is something wrong with you!".  If that is the case, so be it.  Perhaps a little insanity is the only thing that keeps me quite sane in this crazy world.  I do hope that anyone who reads this isn't immediately scared for my safety.  I do NOT want to kill myself, I never have wanted to and I never will.  I have too much to live for!  As I said before, I don't cut anymore, it is just the kind of pain that I crave the most.  I would remind you that my kink is not your kink, and your kink is not mine, but I am not sure that I would actually label this as "kink" for there is no sexual undertone at all.

As far as kinky pain goes there are many things I want to try.  Wax play being at the top of my list.  I am waiting until I am not pregnant anymore though because the intensity might do unnecessary damage to my baby and that is not something that I am willing to risk.  I also want to try a bit more humiliation.  I have been used as a footstool, naked.  I have been used as a table, naked. I have been made to stand in the corner naked and write lines while being whipped with the belt.  I have barked like a good little doggy and being strussed up as a horsey during sex, but I can imagine all the things I haven't tried and can't wait to try a little bit more.  I want to try nipple clamps and a clit clamp with a chain that connects all three and maybe even wear them under my clothes one day, but that will have to wait till I'm done nursing so that one is a little ways out there.  Oh yes, and I am dying to be caned!  That I think ties for top of my list with wax play.  I have already mentioned all those things to Brandon and he is curious to try them too... not being done to him of course but being the inflictor of pain on me.  So, if anyone has tried any of these things I would love to hear about your experience to get a better feel for what I have in store for myself.